Episode 5: No Pain, No Gain
This one starts in Kyoto, Japan with a Japanese dude trying to sell an artifact (a raven feather) to a Saudi businessman. Myka and Claudia are on the scene, masquerading as stereotypical geishas. (Who knew Claudia could play a samisen so well?) After the two men swap briefcases (the one with the feather in it emits a
glow like in Pulp Fiction), Myka uses a pinwheel to knock out the Saudi and the guards, while Claudia knocks the Japanese dude through the shoji screen with her samisen. His briefcase opens, but Claudia closes it before they’re driven insane by the feather’s power. Myka gets a call from her sister to say she’s pregnant. Myka’s thrilled, but not so distracted she can’t knee a recovering guard in the face.
At the Warehouse, Myka and Claudia show Artie the huge bear they got Myka’s sister (and Claudia compares the bear to Artie, since they both love pudding). Pete wonders if Myka is a tad jealous that her younger sister is doing the whole “marriage and motherhood” thing before her, but Myka 
says that’s not even on her radar. Artie shows them some tape from a hockey game where one of the players (Mike Madden) healed instantly from what was almost certainly a broken arm. Artie suspects Madden is using an artifact, especially after Madden later launched an opponent right through the glass. Pete and Myka head for the Great White North (the hockey teams involved are said to be Toronto and Edmonton, but it obviously isn’t the Leafs or Oilers), while Artie gives Claudia an envelope.
It’s an invitation to lunch with Mrs. Frederick and Claudia’s a bit worried. She wonders if it has anything to do with the weird feelings she’s been having lately. Of course, we know those are a result of her being bonded to Steve after reviving him with the metronome, but Artie gets worried, thinking it might have something to do with the dreams he’s been having about Claudia killing him. In Canada, Pete and Myka go to the hockey rink to
check out Madden. (The rink is called the Hershey Centre, which is in Mississauga, Ontario; the show was shot in Ontario, so I guess it was convenient. I think the Hershey Centre has been renamed to the Paramount Fine Foods Centre, which doesn’t have the same ring to it.) A bunch of rabid fans (mostly women) are outside and one of them gives Pete some cookies for Madden. Naturally, Pete starts eating them until the team owner (Kemp) tells him fan food might be laced with something (“ … make your parts fall off.”)
Myka talks to Madden, who hits on her, and then denies doing anything illegal during the game. Myka mentions his fast healing and superhuman body check, but Madden claims it was all adrenaline. Myka asks to check a gold necklace he’s wearing, thinking it might be the artifact. Pete gets an x-
ray of Madden’s arm from Kemp, while Myka and Madden argue. Since this is a TV show, you know they’re gonna get hot for each other. Myka checks the x-ray (Myka: “I was pre-med before I was pre-law before I joined the Secret Service.”; Pete: “And yet you ended up in the exact same place as me.”) and notices it shows a bilateral fusion in Madden’s wrist bones … something she didn’t notice when she shook hands with him. Since the x-ray is fake, they have to find the real one in the medical office. Everyone is busy at practice, so Pete is disappointed he doesn’t get to cause a distraction by joyriding the zamboni.
At the Warehouse, Artie lies to Steve about what he’s doing, forgetting that Steve can tell when people are lying. Steve follows Artie and confronts him. Artie admits that artifacts have been disappearing; first Bobby Fischer’s
marbles (which we saw last episode), now Primo Levi’s scarf. Since Artie bagged the scarf himself, Steve suggests someone is taking artifacts that have personal meaning to Artie. Artie doesn’t want Claudia involved (because of the murderous dreams, though he doesn’t tell Steve that), so he tries to think what other artifacts are personal to him.
In Toronto, Pete and Myka look at Madden’s real x-rays and not only is his arm still broken (it’s being held together with muscle and cartilage), but his knees are shot and his ribs are busted; he shouldn’t even be walking, never 
mind playing hockey. They check Madden’s stuff while the team is showering, spraying down everything with neutralizer. (Myka: “Mouth guard … shin guard … uh—”; Pete: “Penis guard.”) They hear an argument in the showers and Pete goes to break up a fight between Madden and a teammate who wants to know what he’s using to beef up his performance. But Madden isn’t a powerhouse now … he can barely hold the guy off and looks like he’s ready to keel over. Pete tells Myka he thinks someone else is using an artifact to help Madden and Myka wonders if it could be Kemp, the owner.
They confront Kemp, accusing him of doing something to help Madden, but Kemp says if he had some magic cure-all, he’d use it on some of the younger players who’re out injured, not an old war-horse like Madden. Pete
points out Madden’s having a great season, but Kemp says he’s only good at home … on the road, he’s crap. Pete and Myka figure something in the rink is affecting Madden and when Pete points out that Madden looked shaky during practice, they think it must be one of the hometown fans using an artifact to help Madden. Of course, that leaves them with about 15,000 suspects.
At the Warehouse, Artie finds multiple artifacts missing; each has been replaced by a black diamond, so he knows it’s Brother Adrian’s sect that are behind it, since Adrian promised to dismantle Artie’s life’s work. (He takes care not to let Steve see the black diamonds). Steve wonders if there’s a way 
to track one of the missing artifacts and Artie checks to see if the McCoy rifle is missing … which it is. Artie says if the Hatfield rifle is still there (which it should be, since it was retrieved by a different Warehouse agent), they can use it to track the McCoy rifle and maybe all the other artifacts as well. In Minneapolis, Mrs. Frederick takes Claudia out to test her instincts. They end up outside a jewelry store and Claudia is drawn to a woman browsing inside. Someone comes in and sets a baby on the counter, then some loser comes in to rob the place. He freaks out and fires a shot and the woman jumps in front of the baby and takes the bullet.
The woman is fine (the bullet hit her shoulder), but Claudia notices the woman’s bracelet gets a weird glow and realizes she’s just witnessed the birth of an artifact. Mrs. Frederick says it happened because of an ordinary woman doing an extraordinary thing, but Claudia says she thought artifacts only came from people with Wikipedia pages. Mrs. Frederick says the creation of an artifact is just a meeting of an object, a person, and a moment. She says there’s no need to take the bracelet from the woman, either; they only need to bag artifacts if they start causing trouble. In
Toronto, Pete and Myka tell Madden he might be getting help from a fan and he says he’ll cooperate to find out who it is, even though it might end his season. Madden says he doesn’t want to get ahead by cheating, with impresses Myka. She’s even more impressed when she finds out he’s a fan of Mozart’s Magic Flute. Pete appoints himself the sassy best friend in Myka’s rom-com, though she denies there’s anything between her and Madden.
For the game, they put all Madden’s hardcore fans into one section and raffle off a dinner with him so they can collect everyone’s info. Madden agrees to fake an injury so they can see if someone uses an artifact to help 
him. Madden gives Myka a big smooch and his fans all go wild … except one; the blonde woman who was outside the rink earlier (the one who made the cookies) looks pretty pissed off and tosses a keychain with a rabbit’s foot and some other stuff on it into her purse. While everybody is distracted by the game, Pete rifles through their bags looking for the artifact. A kid catches him just as he finds the pissed-off blonde’s keychain, but Pete pretends to be the purse inspector until the kid goes away.
Madden fakes his injury and Pete tosses the keychain back in the purse and looks over the crowd to see if anyone helps Madden. But nobody does; Madden stays down, but Myka suddenly doubles over and heads for the ladies’ room. She calls Pete and when he gets into the ladies’ room, he’s shocked to see that Myka is pregnant. Myka’s not enjoying that, as it makes
her emotional and hyper-sensitive to odours. They call Artie, who tells them it may be a wish-fulfillment artifact; Myka insists she’s not envious of her sister having a baby, but wonders if she subconsciously did wish for this. Pete admits he’s the one who wished it; when he was talking to the kid earlier, he wished he could have a kid and since Myka’s the only person who could share his crazy-ass life, he kinda thought about her as the mother. He remembers the keychain he was holding at the time and knows that must hold the artifact.
Artie and Steve have tracked the missing McCoy rifle to a warehouse in Featherhead. The attraction between the two rifles is so strong it’s actually pulling Steve toward the warehouse door. When Artie opens the door, the two rifles start spontaneously shooting at each other. Artie shuts the door 
and Steve gets pissed off. Artie reminds him he can’t die as long as he’s linked to the metronome, but Steve tells Artie about the weird connection between him and Claudia and says if he gets shot, she could die. Artie’s relieved that Claudia’s issues have nothing to do with the dreams and he says they have to find a way to get Steve free of the metronome. They find the missing artifacts in the warehouse, along with a box full of black diamonds. Steve is ready to start tracking the thieves, but Artie says it can wait. (Of course, he already knows who’s behind it.) Steve notices some shipping supplies and thinks maybe all the missing artifacts aren’t there anymore.
Pete and Myka use the info from the fan raffle to track the blonde (Judy Giltoy). They check her apartment and find that she’s obsessed with Madden; she even photo-shopped herself into romantic pictures of him. They find her grandfather’s ashes and a clipping about how he was on the
Bataan Death March and saved his buddy’s life by urging him not to give up for the last 50 miles. As we saw with Claudia and Mrs. Frederick, artifacts are created when ordinary people do extraordinary things. Pete remembers Judy’s keychain had dog tags on it and he figures her grandfather must’ve created an artifact by wishing his friend to continue the March. At the arena, Judy kidnaps Madden by undoing the healing on his arm and dragging him into her car. She says she loves him, and he loves her too … he just doesn’t know it yet.
Kemp calls Pete to tell him Madden’s missing and Myka notices a photo of Judy as a kid at her grandfather’s cabin. She figures he might’ve left that to her, along with his ashes and the dog tags, and maybe that’s where she took Madden. We see she has taken Madden to the cabin, where she tells him 
how she’s been helping him all season. She’s acting really freaky, like Kathy Bates in Misery except with a heaping side order of sexual innuendo. Madden pretends to be hot for her and throws hot cider in her face. She wishes his knees to give out before he can get away and says he’ll be sorry. Pete and Myka arrive at the cabin, but Myka’s asleep so Pete leaves her the Tesla and heads inside. Judy sees him coming and grabs a hatchet (yup, definitely Misery-inspired), slipping out the back.
Madden warns Pete, but by the time he gets outside, Judy has found Myka and has the hatchet at her throat. (Myka explains that she dropped the Tesla and couldn’t pick it up.) Pete tosses his gun and Judy wishes for his lungs to collapse and him to quit breathing. Pete starts gasping for breath and keels
over, but when Judy goes to check on him, he’s faking it. He knocks her down and grabs the keys, but Judy whips out what looks like a K-Bar knife. (Damn, how much stuff did gramps leave her?) Myka manages to hook the Tesla with her foot and grab it, blasting Judy before she can carve Pete up. Pete bags the dog tags and Myka goes back to her non-preggo self. Unfortunately, all the “improvements” Judy gave Madden also disappear.
At the hospital, Myka asks Pete why Judy’s wish didn’t work on him and Pete speculates that it maybe only works on people you love: Judy’s grandpa on his Army buddy, Judy on Madden, and Pete on Myka. Myka makes a big deal out of the fact Pete just admitted he loves her, though there doesn’t 
seem to be a romantic edge to it … yet. She goes to say goodbye to Madden, who’s in bad shape but hockey players are good at dealing with pain. In Minneapolis, Mrs. Frederick takes Claudia to an old folks’ home where she visits an old man … who turns out to be her grandson. Mrs. Frederick tells Claudia that not all wonder is endless. As Pete and Myka leave the hospital, Pete gets all misty watching a guy with his newborn baby.