Warrior … Priestess … Tramp – Director: Robert Ginty/Writers: Adam Armus, Nora Kay Foster
This one starts with Xena confronting a warlord named Daxon, but instead of kicking his ass, she throws down her weapons and implores him to embrace the way of peace and love. If you’re thinking this isn’t the real Xena, you’re right; aside from the peacenik stuff, she speaks with a different accent and a slight lisp. She doesn’t even resist when she’s tied to a stake and is about to be burned. Gabi shows up and thinks this is the real Xena, but can’t figure out why
she’s not trying to escape. Gabi thinks Xena’s testing her because she keeps asking for more responsibility, so she puts out the fire and rescues her. After getting the woman to safety, Gabi realizes this isn’t Xena and—after mistaking her for Callisto, Diana, and Meg—is finally introduced to Leah, the Hestian priestess … that’s Hestian virgin priestess, which Gabi finds amusing.
Gabi takes Leah to meet Xena (who’s somewhat less amused at the thought of a lookalike virgin priestess) and Leah—after giving them shit for not 
being virgins—tells them she was told to confront Daxon by some sacred stones she cast and that she found Xena’s outfit already in her wardrobe. Xena figures someone’s trying to get Leah killed, so they go to the Hestian temple in disguise and find out Meg is there, pretending to be Leah. Xena goes to talk to Meg, who mistakes her for Leah until Xena almost breaks her hand. Gabi takes Leah to hide out at Meg’s tavern, not far away. On the way, Gabi gives Leah a makeover, trying to make her look sexier so she can pass for Meg.
Meg tells Xena that the head priest (Balius) told her Leah took off and he needed Meg to fill in for her. Xena figures something’s going on, so she
disguises herself as Meg (or as Meg-pretending-to-be-Leah) so she can snoop around. Gabi takes Leah to Meg’s tavern, which turns out to be a brothel. Joxer shows up (which gets all the hookers excited) and mistakes Leah for Meg. He also thinks Gabi is working there and is torn between wanting to help her get out and hiring her services. Xena goes through Balius’s chamber and finds a suspicious 
medallion. She pretends to be Meg when he catches her and asks to be let in on whatever scam he’s cooking up against the Hestians. But Balius figures out the truth when his assistant (Thoracles) tells him Meg is in the temple sucking back the sacramental wine. Balius talks to Meg and, since she thinks he’s legit, she tells him about Xena being there and how they’re hiding Leah at her place. Balius tells Thoracles to find Xena and says he’s sending some men to Meg’s tavern to kill Leah.
Xena tells Meg Balius is really a Delian priest and that Delians hate Hestians with a passion. Meg realizes she screwed up by telling Balius everything, but doesn’t mention that to Xena because she wants to fix her mistake on her
own. Xena is forced to take confession from some virgins who mistake her for Leah (and who have apparently gotten quite lustful with some root vegetables) and when Thoracles attacks her, she kicks his ass and learns what Balius is up to. Leah isn’t happy about having to hide in a “den of filth”, but Gabi convinces her she might do some good there and she ends up teaching the hookers some hymns. When they find out Balius’s men are on their way Gabi hides Leah, but when Meg shows up she mistakes her for Leah and hides her again. Joxer runs into Meg and thinks she’s Leah, so he apologizes for hitting on her earlier, but does it by slut-shaming Meg. She decks him but when the real Leah comes 
in and tells him the guards from the temple must’ve figured out the ruse, Joxer decides to go to the temple to rescue Meg. Meg again mistakes Xena for Leah (until Xena pounds a couple of guards) and confesses that she spilled everything to Balius. Gabi comes in with the real Leah, so all three women are together (and Gabi can actually tell them apart). Gabi mentions that Meg’s hookers are “distracting” the guards, but she also tells them about Joxer going to the temple. Naturally, Joxer is captured immediately and Balius heads for Meg’s place, waiting until Leah, Gabi, and Xena leave so he can grab Meg to impersonate Leah for the big ceremony at the temple.
Balius poisons the wine the virgins are supposed to drink at the ceremony and warns Meg not to drink any. Leah shows up at the temple and is
captured and thrown in a cell with Joxer, but when she pounds the guard and busts out, Joxer realizes it’s Xena, not Leah. Gabi and Meg fight their way into the temple, which means it’s really Leah doing the ceremony (although Balius still thinks it’s Meg). She gives the Hestians the poisoned wine and reads from a scroll. When they all keel over, Balius proclaims Delianism better than Hestianism, pointing out that the virgins were basically killed by their own priestess and Hestia allowed it 
to happen. But it turns out Leah warned them not to swallow the poison, so the virgins are all fine. Balius freaks and grabs Leah, dragging her off to kill her. Xena follows, leaving Gabi and Meg to take care of the other guards. Xena fights Balius, but Leah’s the one who ends up decking him (which kinda impresses Xena). Later, Leah thanks everyone for helping her and admits she misjudged them … but still thinks Gabi would make an excellent virgin.
This is a great episode, one of the better comedy episodes (which is why it’s at #39 on my all-time list … and it could move up a bit from there). I like all
the episodes with Meg in them because she’s so funny, but Meg kinda takes a backseat to Leah in this one … which is fine because Leah is hilarious. Lucy plays her with a wild exuberance and she’s constantly making judgmental comments on everyone that are really funny (“what lessons can I learn from these wanton strumpets?”). There are so many funny lines (and scenes) that I’d almost have to quote 
the entire episode to do it justice, but a few that come to mind: Gabi altering Leah’s clothes to make her “sexy”; Leah opening doors in the brothel and being shocked by what’s going on (“Who’s been a naughty blacksmith?”); Leah finding a room full of costumes and wondering if they’re putting on a play; and the virgins’ vegetable sex confession (which was apparently written in full but we can’t hear it because the actress’s dialogue was turned down in the sound mix … I’d love to read that script).
Gabi gets to do some good stuff in this episode, not only kicking ass a few times, but wrangling all the Xena doubles and even saving Leah in the
teaser (although it took her a while to realize it wasn’t Xena) by tricking a tubby guy into catapulting a water barrel onto the flames. And Xena obviously trusts her, since she leaves Gabi (and Meg) to deal with the guards while she pursues Balius. We get more of Joxer’s romantic feelings for Gabi, although that doesn’t seem to have stopped him from hanging around Meg’s place and possibly banging all the hookers. When he first shows up, they burst into a song about what a stud 
he is; I’m not sure if that means he’s banged them all, or maybe he just taught them the song to make himself sound good. He probably is banging Meg at least and when he thinks she’s in trouble he rushes to save her, so that’s another romantic possibility for him. I get the feeling his love for Gabi is purer, almost theoretical, where his feelings for Meg are a lot more … earthy, let’s say. And Meg is great as usual; she’s a pretty good brawler, which makes sense since she probably has to handle rowdies at the brothel all the time.
There’s a major plot hole in this episode, namely if Balius believes Leah is Meg at the ceremony, why didn’t he realize the truth when she started
speaking Hestian. He had “Meg” reading from a Hestian scroll, but after the virgins “revived” he said only Leah could speak the ancient Hestian language, so why did he believe Meg could read it? And wasn’t Meg illiterate not that long ago? Why would Balius assume she could even read the Hestian scrolls? Aside from that, I really like this episode because it’s so funny but it also raises some interesting points, like 
about not judging people before you know them. Or what constitutes being a virgin? If the girls in the temple use vegetables to masturbate, are they still virgins? What if they use them on each other? For that matter, what if they have sex with each other? Are they still virgins then? In a phallo-centric culture like ancient Greece, they probably would be considered virgins (at least by most men) since there was never a penis involved.
Noticeable Things:
- Right before Gabi introduces Leah, Xena mentions running into Zagreus from A Day in the Life.
- When they first bring Leah to the temple in disguise, Thoracles immediately realizes Gabi is no virgin, which kinda pisses her off. (“What, is it written on my forehead?”)
- When he’s in the jail cell, Joxer plays Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with the guard, except it’s Six Degrees of Thalidopes.
Favourite Quotes:
- “Hestia? What does she have to do with the price of grapes in Carthage?” Gabi wondering why “Xena” is going on and on about the virgin goddess.
- “Believe me, if I have to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won’t be a problem.” Gabi letting Leah know that she has a healthy sex drive and is no stranger to self-love.
- “Look, sometimes it is better to take matters into your own hands.” Xena inadvertently telling penitent virgins it’s okay to pleasure themselves (or each other) with vegetables.
- “Oh, please let that be a petting zoo.” Leah after opening a door in Meg’s brothel and seeing something involving a guy and a sheep.