Xena Reviews: Season 3, Episode 18

Fins, Femmes, and Gems – Director: Josh Becker/Story: Rob Tapert, Adam Armus, Nora Kay Foster/Teleplay: Adam Armus, Nora Kay Foster

This one starts with Aphrodite hanging out in one of her temples when three thugs come in to see her. They’ve stolen the Mystic Diamond from the Temple of the Heavens. The Diamond represents the North Star, without which the world will be thrown into disarray, but Aphrodite doesn’t care; she wants the Diamond for her own constellation and (after some sexual innuendo with the leader) sends the men to Parnassus where she has an astrologer waiting to launch the Diamond into the sky. Xena, Gabi, and Joxer arrive at the temple looking for the thieves, but Aphrodite uses her magic to create a perfume called Obsession (not by Calvin Klein), which causes people sprayed by it to become obsessed with whatever they’re looking at. Joxer is looking at a fresco of Attis, the Ape Man (a Tarzan knock-off), Gabi sees herself in a mirror (immediately becoming obsessed with her own perfection), and Xena is handling a fish left as an offering (which makes her focus on fishing, although apparently it’s Rob Tapert who’s obsessed with fishing in real life).

Xena’s fishing obsession starts with her constructing a kite (like she did in A Day in the Life) with a special release on it so she can use it to catch fish. Gabi’s already admiring herself unrelentingly, and Joxer’s taken to eating bugs. Xena realizes the two of them have become obsessed, but doesn’t recognize the same problem in herself. She takes them to a lake where she and her brother Lyceus used to fish as kids. She does remember enough about the missing Diamond to cause a rockslide, forcing Aphrodite’s guys to take the long way around. Xena catches some fish (with her bare hands), but Gabi declines to join her, preferring to stare at her own reflection, Narcissus-style. Joxer tosses Xena’s fish back in the lake and she’s giving him shit when she realizes Gabi is missing.

Xena rescues Gabi from the lake (she tried to kiss her reflection) and gets excited when Gabi tells her she’s found the perfect person to spend her life with. Unfortunately, Gabi’s talking about herself. Joxer goes full ape and starts seeing Gabi as some kind of ape-woman, who’s hot for him. Xena recalls fishing with Lyceus and tells Gabi about Solarus, the giant fish that kept getting away from them. Xena takes a lock of Gabi’s hair for bait and when Gabi objects, Xena pouts until she gives in. (Lucy does a really good pout and I love the implication that Xena can get Gabi to do pretty much anything just by pouting about it. Anything …) Xena does still remember the Diamond, but it’s kinda low priority now. The thugs find the landslide and backtrack around the lake. Xena prepares to catch Solarus, but Gabi wonders if Xena’s really interested in the fish, or if it was just an excuse to get her alone. While Xena’s distracted, a naked Joxer swings in and grabs Gabi.

Gabi gives Joxer something to wear (a see-through negligee she had in her bag for some reason) and Xena grabs Gabi back before she’s forced to make furious Zug-Zug with Joxer. Xena tricks Gabi, telling her the Diamond is so perfect that only she should have it. Gabi agrees and goes to pound the thugs and take the Diamond, but ends up cornered in a dead end.

Xena’s still fishing (and whistling the Xena theme song), so Joxer saves Gabi, swinging her out of danger. The thugs follow them back to Xena, who pounds the thugs while trying to hold onto Solarus, who finally took the bait. She deals with the thugs, but loses Solarus. Xena convinces Gabi they should put “her” Diamond in the heavens so everyone can see it and Gabi agrees. Xena rigs up a giant slingshot, but wants to use the Diamond as bait for Solarus. It works and Xena cuts the sling rope, launching Solarus and the Diamond into the sky, restoring the North Star and creating a new fish constellation that looks nothing like the Little Dipper. Xena’s obsession ends when she realizes it wasn’t about fishing, it was some unresolved issues with Lyceus. She helps Gabi figure out the root of her obsession—the fact that nobody gives her credit and just thinks of her as a sidekick—which cures her problem too. They talk later and Xena promises she’ll make sure Gabi gets more credit from now on. Joxer is still in Attis mode, but they decide to wait until tomorrow to deal with him.

This is a pretty funny episode, although not as funny as some others (which is why it’s #56 on my all-time list). Technically, there’s not really much happening here, even though there’s a lot going on. It’s interesting how the obsessions come from something inside each of them: Xena’s unresolved issues with her dead brother; Gabi’s feelings of inadequacy, which we’ve seen before; and Joxer … I’m not sure what Joxer’s issue is supposed to be, although the way Attis fixated on Gabi might mean it involves his unrequited love for her. Of course, Gabi has no interest in Joxer because of her self-obsession (and wouldn’t be into him anyway), but she does seem rather impressed by his dick. Apparently, this episode was sponsored by DeBeers, the diamond company, which explains the whole Mystic Diamond thing.

This episode is basically a series of jokes held together with a very thin plot, but a lot of the jokes are pretty funny. Joxer is great as the ape-man Attis (though he often comes off more like George of the Jungle than Tarzan), and apparently improvised a lot of his dialogue. Renee’s great at being obsessed with herself, saying a lot of ridiculous lines with a straight face (and singing that hilarious song). Renee and Ted work great together, as usual, and I love the scene where Gabi’s smearing red stuff on her lips (“highlighting perfection”) thinking it’s crushed berries, then freaking out when Xena tells her it’s crushed bugs she was using for bait.

Apparently, the original premise was for Gabi to be sexually obsessed with Xena (after getting some ideas from the X-rated frescoes in Aphrodite’s temple), but that got changed. I’m kinda glad it did; even though that might’ve been interesting to see, I think using magic to make Gabi fall for Xena takes something away from the genuine feelings they have for each other. I think it’s better if they fall for each other naturally instead of cheapening it with spells (an argument I made earlier in A Comedy of Eros). But even without that, I think there are clues here that Xena and Gabi have moved beyond friendship: when Gabi’s about to say who she wants to spend the rest of her life with, Xena looks very excited (and very disappointed that it isn’t her Gabi’s talking about); Gabi also mentions Xena bringing her to the lake to get her alone, where there’s no competition; Xena mentions that Gabi’s beautiful when she’s angry; and just why does Gabi have a sexy nightie in her bag anyway? I think she was planning on wearing that for Xena, more evidence that they’re sleeping together now. (At least, when Joxer’s not around, which could explain why they aren’t rushing to cure him at the end.)

Noticeable Things:

• Aphrodite still acts like a shallow airhead here, but she does have some cool wireless headphones shaped like seashells.
• When Joxer calls out to his animal brothers, we see a bunch of African animals which really shouldn’t be in Greece.
• If Xena and Lyceus used to fish at this lake, does that mean it’s near Amphipolis? Or maybe it’s near their grandparents’ farm, which we’ll see in Old Ares Had a Farm.
• Gabrielle’s song about herself (sung to the Beverly Hillbillies tune) goes: “Well, listen to my story about Gabrielle,/a cute little gal that’s looking really swell./Perfect hair, what a lovely lass,/nice round breasts and a firm young—” Xena cuts her off, but you can probably guess the last word.

Favourite Quotes:

• “She wants me to fist a fish?” Gabrielle’s reaction to Xena suggesting she join her in bare-handed fishing.
• “I’m worried we’re gonna get there and the fish’ll be armed.” Xena commenting on Gabi’s singing voice.
• “Your talents are wasted as a thug, you shoulda been an astronomer.” The thug leader sarcastically congratulating one of his men for pointing out there was an avalanche that blocked the pass.
• “I could do with a few ants.” Gabi choosing to eat insects rather than make furious Zug-Zug with Joxer.