Warrior … Princess … Tramp – Director: Josh Becker/Writer: R.J. Stewart
This one starts in King Lias’s castle, with Lias seemingly on the point of death (although we’ll see later that Lias is a bit of a hypochondriac) and worried about an assassination plot. Lias tells Diana to send for Xena. In a tavern not far away, Joxer is telling everyone an exaggerated story of how he helped Xena defeat Callisto. Gabi comes in to set the record straight and learns Joxer saw Xena at the tavern not long ago. That surprises Gabi, since Xena was supposed to be in Thebes and wasn’t meeting her until tomorrow. Joxer talks some shit about hooking up with Xena and Gabi warns him not to mess with Xena’s reputation. Gabi heads for the castle and Joxer starts
his tall tales again. At the castle, Diana is talking to someone who looks like Xena, but there’s something a little off about her (the voice, the facial expressions, and the fact that she’s stealing silver spoons). She introduces Agis, a former advisor to Cadmus, and Diana tells Xena about Lias and the assassination rumours. Diana tells the guards to obey all Xena’s orders and leaves. Gabi comes in and starts questioning Xena and Xena orders her thrown in the dungeon. If we didn’t know before, we certainly do now: that’s not the real Xena.
We find out “Xena” is actually a woman named Meg, a lookalike that Agis plucked out of an alley and forced to impersonate Xena. Agis wants Meg to take Diana’s place so he can kill Lias and use his army to conquer 
surrounding territory. Agis tells Meg to fix things with Gabi to allay suspicion, so Meg goes to the dungeon (dressed as Xena) and gives Gabi some double-talk about her big plan and how Gabi is safer locked up. Gabi’s mad, but trusts Xena, so she doesn’t question the logic too much. Meg wonders what’ll happen when the real Xena arrives, but Agis says he’s taking care of it. At the tavern, the real Xena is looking for Gabi and gets hit on by a bunch of assholes (who think she’s easy because of what Joxer said earlier about banging her). She pounds a few guys and uses her fire-breathing trick to get rid of Agis’s men when they try to jump her. Joxer shows up at the castle and Meg (dressed as Xena) lets him
in and puts the moves on him. Meg seems quite taken with Joxer; he must be a hell of a lay. Joxer feels bad about trashing Xena’s rep and takes off, but when he runs into Diana he assumes she’s Xena and puts the moves on her. That gets him tossed in the dungeon with Gabi. The real Xena shows up, but Diana is too worked up about her father’s health to talk, so Xena goes to check the castle defenses. We see that “Diana” is actually Meg, the real Diana having been grabbed by Agis and his men.
Gabi tells Joxer about Xena and Diana being lookalikes and Joxer figures he’s in trouble for putting the moves on the princess. Meg comes in dressed 
as Diana and lets Joxer out, but leaves Gabi in the dungeon, saying it’s all part of Xena’s big plan. Meg puts the moves on Joxer again and he’s into it, even though he thinks she’s Xena pretending to be Diana. A nanny asks Diana to come sing to the baby and Meg ends up singing “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” while rocking the cradle with her feet. (The nanny didn’t seem too bothered to see “Diana” making out with Joxer.) Joxer finds the real Xena and puts the moves on her. After she decks him, he tells her Gabi’s in the dungeon. Before Xena can digest that, they hear someone coming and hide. It turns out to be Agis and Meg, talking about their scheme. Xena and Joxer hear some of their plans and see Agis threaten Meg to keep her in line. Xena gets Gabi out of the dungeon and explains things, proving she’s the real Xena by
throwing her chakram. Xena sends Joxer to look for Meg and heads out of the castle with Gabi. They intercept Alcibiades (Agis’s head thug) on the road and Xena pretends to be Meg (while dressed as Diana. … got all that?), bringing Gabi as a prisoner. Alcibiades tests “Meg” and takes her and Gabi to the cave where they’re keeping Diana. They pound the thugs and free Diana, but Alcibiades escapes to warn Agis. By the time Xena, Gabi, and Diana get back to the castle, Agis has taken Diana’s baby.
Xena hides Diana and Philemon in a secret room under the castle and tells Gabi to find Meg. Joxer tries to put the moves on Xena again (thinking she’s 
Meg dressed as Diana … still with me?) and he defends Meg from Xena’s criticisms, pointing out that Agis is forcing her to help him. Obviously, Joxer has some feelings for Meg. When Agis finds them talking, Xena has to pretend to be Meg, so she lays a big smooch on Joxer. Gabi finds the real Meg (still dressed as Diana) and has a classic catfight with her. Gabi ends up feeling sorry for Meg when she hears about her shitty life. Agis tells Xena (pretending to be Meg) they need to kill King Lias and Xena suggests she stab the King while taking the baby to see
him as cover. Lias finds Gabi and Meg (who he assumes is Diana) and they end up bonding a bit, since Meg never had a father of her own. Xena’s plan works and Agis brings her the baby, but Joxer busts in and screws everything up. There’s a fight and everyone takes off, one of Agis’s men taking the baby. Agis uses a shortcut to reach Lias first and while Alcibiades holds Gabi back, Agis orders Meg to kill Lias.
Meg refuses to kill Lias and Xena comes in, starting a big fight. Meg helps 
Lias to safety and Xena notices, pointing out that Meg might not be as bad as she thinks she is. Xena tells Meg to look after Lias (who finally realizes she’s not his daughter) and they bond some more. Agis ties the baby above a fire to put pressure on Diana to cooperate, but Xena busts in wearing her armour again. Agis soon realizes it’s Diana (because of her clumsiness and reference to the chakram as a “round killing thing”) and captures her. Xena bursts in again (once more wearing her armour), but when she calls her chakram a “shamrock”, Agis knows she’s really Meg. The real Xena finally shows up (still dressed like
Diana) and starts kicking ass. Agis drops the baby, but Xena catches the rope before the baby hits the fire. Agis gets away, but Gabi and Joxer (and Meg) help defeat the thugs. (Well, Joxer mostly just dodges them.) The baby goes flying (kinda like in Cradle of Hope), but Diana catches it with some draperies. Later, Lias thanks everyone (and Xena says he’ll recover just fine) and hires Meg to be the cook at the castle. They say goodbye to Meg, but she invites Joxer to come right back for some lovin’.
This is a really good episode (it’s #21 on my all-time list), as are all the “Xena double” episodes. But the ones with Meg are my favourite; Meg is a 
great combination of tough and vulnerable, which Lucy plays perfectly. You can usually tell who’s who in the episode, because Lucy changes the voice and even the look when she doing Meg or Diana. Meg’s voice has a “hard-boiled dame” quality to it, like something out of a 30s gangster film, and she always has a somewhat sardonic look to her, like she has trouble taking anything too seriously. I know Meg’s no saint (we see her stealing spoons at the beginning of the episode and again at the end), but underneath Meg is actually kinda sweet; we see it when she instinctively helps Lias (and refuses to kill him later) as well as when she’s talking to Gabi about her childhood. Meg tells Gabi that she ran away from home when she was ten because one of her mother’s boyfriend’s “liked me too much”. But she says it almost casually, like she’s so resigned to having a shitty life that it doesn’t occur to her how fucked up
it was for some scumbag to be putting the moves on a ten-year old girl. We’ll see more of Meg in future episodes (although I think this is the last time we see Diana) and there are hints of some future relationships here. Meg and Joxer will continue their weird romance and eventually get married, and Meg and Gabi form a bond here that leads to them being friends later, which makes sense seeing as how Meg already looks just like Gabi’s besty. (I get the feeling the reason Gabi couldn’t pound Meg during their fight was partly because she begged for mercy, and partly because Gabi couldn’t bring herself to wail on someone who looks just like Xena.)
You may be wondering why I’m reviewing this episode here instead of after Return of Callisto where it originally aired. Normally, I wouldn’t change the review order, even though episodes were written, shot, and aired in 
different orders. But in this case, the original placement makes no sense at all. Gabi’s husband gets killed by Callisto in Return of Callisto, but at the beginning of this episode, she and Joxer are joking around about Callisto and how she held them captive, like the whole thing with Perdicus never happened. Then in Intimate Stranger, Gabi’s back to mourning her dead husband and is so depressed she can’t even dream anymore. Obviously, there’s a disconnect there; if Gabi goes from murderous rage and heart-wrenching grief (in Return of Callisto) to lighthearted banter here, then back to grief in Intimate Stranger, she’d either have to a psychopath or an asshole … and Gabi is neither. Originally,
this was meant to be Joxer’s first appearance of Season 2 (and his second appearance overall), but I think someone who didn’t know better must’ve seen Gabi and Joxer talking about Callisto in the teaser and assumed this episode came after Return of Callisto. (They were actually talking about Callisto’s first appearance in Season 1.) So I moved the episode up here; it could technically take place after Giant Killer, but I like it here better, considering the way this one ends and Joxer’s next appearance in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
Noticeable Things:
- Meg and Joxer both do scenes where they’re talking to themselves in front of a mirror, although Meg’s has more of a Travis Bickle feel to it
than Joxer’s. (And we find out Meg spells Xena with a “Z”.) - There’s another stock shot of the same castle from Season 1 for Lias’s fortress.
- There’s a scene with Joxer and Gabi in the dungeon where Joxer says he’s willing to marry Xena to save her reputation. When he mentions that he would travel with them and that he and Xena could be like a father and mother to Gabi, she runs to the prison door, screaming to be let out.
- Meg tells Gabi her father died in childbirth … he got drunk and fell off the roof the night Meg was born.
Favourite Quotes:
- “You never said nothing about no kinky stuff.” Meg’s response when Agis tells her she needs to be a convincing thespian.
- “She is bad … real bad.” Joxer’s succinct (and rather affectionate) description of Meg.
- “I don’t care what you’ve done in your past—do good now and you
are good.” Xena giving Meg some good advice. - “I know what the plan is … you’re trying to drive me insane!” Gabi letting Xena know she doesn’t like being locked up (or kept in the dark about the plan).
