The Quill is Mightier … – Director: Andrew Merrifield/Writer: Hilary J. Bader
This one starts with some punks vandalizing one of Aphrodite’s temples, covering it with pro-Xena graffiti. Naturally, Aphrodite is pissed off and Ares tells her it’s really Gabrielle’s fault, because her writing has turned Xena into a hero. In their campsite, Gabi is about to write another tale of Xena’s heroism when Xena tells her to try writing some fiction instead … with someone else
as the hero. So Gabi writes a story about herself pounding some bloodthirsty barbarians while Xena is off fishing. Aphrodite shows up (invisibly) and enchants the scroll Gabi’s writing on. The next morning, Gabi wakes up to find Xena gone and a bunch of barbarians attacking. She pounds the crap out of them (even saving Joxer’s life by stopping a sword thrust with her “mighty abs”) and sends them running. She quickly realizes that everything she writes in the scroll comes true.
After figuring out why Joxer is there (because Gabi wrote that she “awoke with a jerk”, a joke Joxer doesn’t get), Gabi figures she can use the scroll to 
do good and starts by writing that the Sisters of Gaea receive a weapon they can sell to help their orphanage. But the weapon had to come from somewhere and it turns out the guy who gave it to the Sisters was supposed to deliver it to a man named Scaberus, who’s not happy about losing his kinsman’s sword. Aphrodite shames the fleeing barbarians into going back after Gabi. Gabi and Joxer hang out at a tavern, but when Gabi tries to get them free food and drink, it backfires. Writing “drinks are on the house” causes ale to start pouring from the ceiling and Gabi realizes that the scroll is very literal with what she writes on it. Now that Xena’s out of the way, Ares orders his minion Thelonius (who has a lieutenant named Munk) to wait for his signal to attack the valley. At the tavern, the free booze turns everyone into a surly
drunk and there’s a big brawl. The barbarians show up and after several failed attempts to send them somewhere safe, Gabi writes that they go to the caves outside town and fall asleep. Gabi is discouraged by all her failed attempts to do good and is ready to quit writing, which makes Aphrodite happy. But Gabi resolves to be more precise in her wording and tries to end war among humanity. Unfortunately, her wording isn’t precise enough and Ares falls out of the sky, stripped of his godly powers. Gabi tries to fix that by writing that the force that enchanted the scroll loses its powers … but that just brings a powerless Aphrodite falling from the sky onto Ares.
Gabi is unable to figure out the wording to restore Ares’ and Aphrodite’s powers, so she tries to get Xena back. More imprecise wording brings Minya (from A Day in the Life) instead and they head to the tavern to discuss things. Scaberus shows up looking for his missing sword, so Gabi sends him to the caves where the barbarians are sleeping. Joxer asks Aphrodite for romantic advice on how to let Gabi know he loves her and Aphrodite suggests poetry and presents. Joxer writes a limerick on the
enchanted scroll, which summons three naked, dancing Gabrielles; Gabi is … not too happy about that, and banishes them to the caves. Joxer decides to try the rest of Aphrodite’s advice and sells his scabbard (a family heirloom) to buy Gabi a necklace. Unfortunately, Gabi hid the enchanted scroll in the scabbard (since Joxer told her earlier he could never sell it). They soon figure out that someone knows about the scroll’s magic when they hear it’s raining dinars in town.
Gabi knows they have to get the scroll back, but they also have to stop Thelonius and his men from attacking the valley. She sends Joxer to the caves (which he doesn’t mind, since the naked Gabrielles are there), Minya and Aphrodite into town, and takes Ares to track the peddler Joxer sold his 
scabbard to. The peddler heads for the caves and so does everyone else. A mad chase ensues, with Gabi, Joxer, Ares, Aphrodite, Minya, the naked Gabrielles, the barbarians, Scaberus, and the peddler all chasing each other and trying to get the scroll. Gabi finally gets it long enough to write something and the peddler grabs it and takes off, followed by the naked Gabrielles, the barbarians, Scaberus, and Minya. Gabi tells the others she sent the scroll to Xena, since she couldn’t get Xena to come to them. When Thelonius sees the procession running through the forest, he assumes that’s the long-awaited signal and orders his army to attack the valley.
Xena finally shows up with the scroll (and a whole cartload of fish) and tells Gabi her attempts to bring her back actually sent her all over the place, including to see her mother and the first friend she ever had. Gabi explains
everything and after hearing the wording of Aphrodite’s spell, Xena figures out that writing the truth will reverse the scroll’s enchantment (since the spell caused all Gabi’s fictional writing to come true). So Xena pounds Thelonius’s men (using the fish as weapons), while Gabi—after admitting she’s not good at writing action—writes everything on the scroll exactly as it happens. Aphrodite and Ares get their powers back and everything goes back to normal. Gabi ends the story, but still thinks her embellishments are important to Xena’s tales.
This is a great episode (it’s #7 on my all-time list) and probably my 
favourite comedy episode (although Old Ares Had a Farm is right up there). I think the reason I like this one so much (aside from it being hilarious) is that Gabi gets to be a real leader when Xena’s away. Unlike in King of Assassins, Gabi really takes charge here, deciding what to do and giving orders that everyone (even Ares) follows without question. Sure, her well-meaning attempts to use the scroll (and bring Xena back) don’t work, but in spite of that, Gabi’s the one everybody looks to when things start going to shit. In fact, Gabi seems to gain some
respect from everyone; Xena doesn’t give her shit after they’re reunited and even Ares is rather impressed with her general skills. There’s a funny scene where they’re talking about Xena (mentioning how she outwitted Ares in The Reckoning and The Furies) and kinda have an understanding moment between them, which freaks them both out. Ares definitely knows by now that he’ll never corrupt Xena as long as Gabi’s around, but I think he ends up having a bit of respect for Gabi in her own right.
We get some more of Joxer’s unrequited love for Gabi here too. He’s even willing to sell his scabbard, which he swore never to part with, although he kinda blunts the impact by telling Gabi about it. (I think when you tell 
someone how selfless you are to impress them, it’s not really all that selfless.) Gabi’s still oblivious to Joxer’s feelings, even after his sappy limerick. Speaking of which, the limerick reads: “A warrior, Joxer the mighty/asked a boon from the god Aphrodite/And what a surprise/he saw with love’s eyes/Three times …” and that somehow made three naked Gabrielles appear. Joxer asks if anyone knows a word ending in “ite” and I can’t help wondering if the word in question was “nudity”, with Joxer either spelling or pronouncing it wrong. That would explain the naked Gabrielles (who, by the way, really seem to impress both Ares and Xena).
Of course, there are tons of jokes in the episode, both visual and in the dialogue. I love Gabi’s Mighty abs (that can deflect a sword) and the running
“awoke with a jerk” joke (that Joxer finally gets right before the end of the episode). Gabi does some pretty good moves while fighting the barbarians, including mimicking Xena’s rotating-around-a-spear move and twirling on top of the spear like a music-box dancer on steroids. Seeing Ares and Aphrodite as mortals is funny too, especially Aphrodite; at first, she embraces it (getting drunk and 
scarfing down food), but the novelty soon wears off when she can’t keep her glam facade and has to deal with hygiene issues. (There’s a “fish smell” joke about her that seems almost too far.) Thelonius keeps waiting for Ares’ signal and getting a bunch of false ones (lovers getting together, a dead bird, and booze exploding in the fire). Xena’s fish fight is good too; besides tossing fish, she throws octopi, starfish, swordfish, and even uses a rolled-up eel as a chakram.
Noticeable Things:
- When the Sisters of Gaea tell Gabi and Joxer they sell stuff to raise money for orphans, one of them points to Joxer’s scabbard and says it’d be perfect. Joxer thinks she’s pointing at his dick and starts
undoing his pants. - While in the tavern with ale dripping from the ceiling, Joxer invents the Beer Hat (or Ale Hat, I guess).
- When Aphrodite appears invisibly at Xena and Gabi’s camp, Xena tenses up and looks around for few seconds, but she obviously can’t sense Aphrodite the way she does with Ares.
- While she’s writing, Gabi keeps licking the end of her quill, which you’d think would just get her a tongue full of ink.
- Right after she regains her powers, Aphrodite forces Joxer and Minya to make out, which freaks them both out after they come to their senses.
Favourite Quotes:
- “I’m not editing my work.” Gabi, sounding like a true writer.
- “So who’s the stud, the dork, and the bottle blonde?” Minya asking about Ares, Joxer, and Aphrodite.
- “Those caves are gonna start getting … pretty full.” Ares pointing out that Gabi’s solution of sending everyone to the caves might not be the best.