Xena Reviews: Season 6, Episode 10

Old Ares Had a Farm – Director: Charles Siebert/Writer: R.J. Stewart

This one starts with Xena and Gabi running into a bunch of scumbags in a tavern. After beating the crap out of them, Xena uses the Pinch to find out that they’ve come together under the leadership of Gascar the Terrible to kill Ares. Apparently, Ares pissed off a lot of warlords when he was God of War, so now that he’s mortal they want revenge. Xena and Gabi later find Ares on the road and after scaring off a wannabe warlord named Siki, they let Ares know about the price on his head. Ares is ready to fight, but Xena tells him it’s better if he goes undercover (kinda like Witness Protection), taking on a new identity to throw Gascar and his men off the trail. Xena suggests he do something that no one would suspect … become a farmer.

Xena and Gabi take Ares to the farm where Xena’s grandparents used to live. It’s pretty run-down (which Ares points out repeatedly), but Xena obviously loves it, and Gabi calls it “charming”. In a tavern, Siki is bragging about killing Ares when Gascar overhears him. He knows Siki is full of shit, but his description of Ares fits—proving he actually did see the ex-God of War—and Gascar learns which way Ares was heading. On the farm, Xena and Gabi work to fix the place up, while Ares slacks off. They realize someone (or something) is stealing their stuff, and meet their neighbour, Greba. She’s pretty sexy (and extremely thirsty), so Ares takes to her right away. Xena leaves Gabi and Ares to keep working while she goes to see Gascar, telling him she wants to help him kill Ares.

Gascar points out that he doesn’t need Xena’s help now that Ares is mortal, but she suggests the whole “mortal” thing might be a trick, in which case they’ll need her god-killing power. Plus, she claims to know where Ares is hiding. Back at the farm, Gabi thanks Ares for giving up his godhood to save her and Eve, although he claims he only did it to save Xena and that Gabi was an afterthought. Xena returns and the roof starts leaking when it rains. Only one room has a good ceiling, so they end up sharing the bed (with hilarious results). The next morning, they trace the mysterious thief and find out it’s a dog that’s been burying their stuff. The dog instantly bonds with Ares, although he’s not too happy about it. Xena and Gabi go into town to get supplies, leaving Ares to mend the roof. Greba stops by to flirt, but pisses Ares off by assuming Xena and Gabi are his daughters and referring to him as an “older man” (although she still wants to bang him, apparently). Ares falls through the roof, where Xena finds him when she and Gabi get back with the supplies (which include a pig, a milk cow, and some chickens). Xena sends Ares out to kill a chicken (which he’s way too zealous about) and admits to Gabi that she likes being at the farm because it reminds her of when she was a kid, and felt safe there. Ares chicken-murdering exploits are interrupted when some of Gascar’s men show up.

Xena takes off, leaving Ares to play the farmer (with Gabi as his wife). Gabi distracts the thugs (does she ever!) and Ares convinces them he’s the farm owner, although his attitude earns him a beating. Xena shows up and puts the Pinch on Ares (which gets her ass bitten by the dog), forcing him to reveal that the God of War supposedly headed for the Harada Pass a couple days ago. Gascar’s men take off and Ares thanks the dog for defending him, naming it Horace. Later, a travelling salesman named Dempar shows up looking for his lost dog, who takes off as soon as he hears Dempar’s voice. Ares is crushed to lose Horace, who took off with one of his gauntlets. Later, Gascar sees the gauntlet in Dempar’s wagon and asks where it came from.

At the farm, Greba tells them Gascar has turned his army around and is headed back this way. Xena goes to see Gascar, who shows her the gauntlet and says he knows Ares is on the farm. Gabi shows up and she and Xena fake a lover’s spat, with Gabi pretending to be pissed off that Xena has thrown her over for Ares. Gabi tells Gascar that Ares is hiding in a cave at Poltrous, then she and Xena starts fighting. Gascar takes off, leaving Xena and Gabi to congratulate each other on their successful ruse. On the farm, Ares is thrilled when Horace comes back, and he’s even happier when Xena and Gabi let him know Gascar and his men are headed for Poltrous cave … which just happens to be the home of a vicious monster with eight heads. Xena tells Ares to stay on the farm as long as he likes, and suggests he might find some inner peace there. Ares tries to kiss her, but she shuts him down (which makes Gabi break out in a shit-eating grin). Xena and Gabi leave and Xena says she’s learned that you can’t find peace in the outside world, you have to find it inside yourself, and it looks like she has … with some help from Gabi, of course.

This is a really great episode, one of the best comedy episodes and one of my overall favourites. It’s currently at #12 on my all-time list, but I think it might just sneak into my top ten. There are just so many funny scenes and great dialogue. Kevin Smith gets some of the best lines and delivers them with such sarcasm that they just sound even funnier. There are so many funny scenes, but a few of my favourites are: Ares trying to kill a chicken; Greba alternately flattering and insulting Ares; Gabi acting slutty to distract Gascar’s men, and Ares giving her shit over it afterwards; and Xena and Gabi “marital spat” to fake Gascar out … the creators aren’t even trying to hide the relationship anymore. The funniest scene is probably when they were all in bed together, especially right after Gabi’s accidental dick grab on Ares. If you look closely, you can see Renee’s body shaking because she was laughing into the pillow. She’d apparently blown several takes already and didn’t want to ruin another one.

Another reason I love this episode is because it sometimes takes on a sweet, almost wistful, tone. Xena admits she loves being back at the farm because it makes her feel the way she did as a kid … safe and loved. Gabi understands that right away and feels the same vibe Xena does. I think Xena and Gabi are both still innocent farm girls at heart. I don’t think they’re really ready to settle down, since they’ve seen (and done) too much to ever go back to the people they were. After all, Gabi ran away from the domestic life, and if Cortese hadn’t attacked her village, I think Xena would’ve found some other excuse to leave. Now that they’ve had a taste of the adventuring life, they’d both be bored to death just hanging around a farm. But I think there’s still some small part of them that wishes they could settle down and enjoy the quiet life together (which we see when they’re debating over the best way to milk a cow). As they’re leaving, Xena says she felt lucky to be so loved as a child and still feels lucky, proving once again that she and Gabi have become each other’s home.

Noticeable Things:

• There’s a shot of a field full of corn (i.e. sweet corn/maize), but corn is a New World plant and shouldn’t exist in Ancient Greece. Another clue that this is a parallel world, not the one we live in.
• Gabi and Xena’s farm girl outfits are quite sexy (and who knew bras were invented in Ancient Greece), but if you’re worried about sexism, Ares also walks around shirtless through 90% of the episode.
• Gascar and Xena seem to know each other pretty well, but I’m not sure if they’ve met since Xena and Gabi woke up from their 25-year sleep, or if they knew each other from before. Gascar looks old enough to have known her 25 years ago, so that may be the case.
• Xena mentions telling ghost stories by the fire with her brothers, which is pretty much the first reference we’ve had to Toris since his appearance in Death Mask.

Favourite Quotes:

• “What is this? A scumbag convention?” Xena making friends in the tavern.
• “A plantation, some slaves, half-a-dozen flute-playing girls.” Ares’ idea of life on a farm.
• “How are you at shovelling shit?” Xena bringing Ares back to reality.
• “Bet you never thought you’d grow up to kill most of them, did you?” Ares’ response when Xena reminisces about her grandmother telling tales of the Olympian gods.
• “Not one-headed ones.” Ares’ reply when Gabi asks if they have dogs on Olympus.
• “Is there anything you and I agree on?” Ares’ question to Gabi, which she answers by looking at Xena.