Here She Comes … Miss Amphipolis – Director: Marina Sargenti/Writer: Chris Manheim
This one starts with Xena and Gabi on a beach talking about a summons from Salmoneus. Xena tells Gabi about a war that tore the region apart a year ago and how the factions have maintained a fragile peace since. Some scantily-clad girls show up, Baywatch-style, pursued by a couple of thugs. Xena and Gabi chase the thugs away and Salmoneus shows up to let them know why
he needs help. The local lord (Claron, who remained neutral in the war) is sponsoring a beauty pageant to celebrate a year of peace, and the three warlords involved in the war have each sponsored a contestant. But someone is trying to sabotage the pageant, which would plunge the region into war again. Gabi thinks the whole idea of a beauty contest is sexist and demeaning and Xena basically agrees, but Xena knows the region can’t take another war, so she agrees to join the pageant undercover as Miss Amphipolis.
Xena meets her competition (mainly Miss Skyros, Miss Messini, Miss 
Parnassus, and Miss Artiphys, who gives her a suspicious look) and Salmoneus tells them they’ll be disqualified if they miss even one event. Xena saves Miss Messini from an arrow trap, but lets Salmoneus take the credit so she can stay undercover. The pageant Matron seems suspicious of Xena, especially when she ends up wearing her robe inside out. Gabi is undercover as Xena’s sponsor, the Marquesa, and meets three of the other sponsors: the Doge of Messini, the Palatine of Parnassus, and the Regent of Skyros, all of whom were involved in the war a year ago. Those sponsors are more concerned with their own reputations than whether their contestants might be in danger and Gabi
gives them all a lesson in treating their contestants like human beings instead of playthings. Xena talks to the other contestants and finds out Miss Parnassus has been promised extra food for her village if she wins, while Miss Skyros (who has scars on her back) just wants to get the hell away from the war zone and all its bad memories. Xena gets locked in the steam room, almost causing her to miss the first event. She shows up just in time (in a blonde wig), but we see someone in her room, discovering her armour and weapons.
Xena knows it was Miss Artiphys who locked her in the steam room (since she found one of Artiphys’s earrings) and confronts her. Turns out Artiphys 
is a man in drag, who wanted to get Xena out of the pageant because she figured Xena had seen through her artifice and was going to rat her out. (I’m not sure if Artiphys is meant to be transgender or just a man who likes to dress like a woman, but I’m going to use female pronouns.) Xena did see through Artiphys’s disguise but doesn’t really care and tells her she hopes the best person wins. The sponsors are still worried about the contest and are putting pressure on
Claron, who swears he has his guards all over the place. Gabi gives them shit for being selfish again and says she doesn’t tell her contestant to do things, she always asks. The other sponsors scoff at that, except the Doge, who seems intrigued. Gabi’s kinda getting into the spirit of things, hoping Xena might really win. The contestants attend a dress rehearsal (which doesn’t exactly go seamlessly) and are introduced in the next event. But the Palatine stands up and yells that one of the contestants is really Xena.
It’s a big fake out … the Palatine is actually pointing at Miss Artiphys, who stole Xena’s armour and is wearing it on stage. The final five contestants 
are chosen and naturally it’s Xena and the other four named characters. The next event is a talent contest and Xena’s not sure what to do. Gabi attends another sponsor’s meeting, where they’re all posturing and blaming each other for the sabotage. The Palatine points out that Miss Skyros hasn’t been a target yet and says if anything happens to his contestant, she’ll pay for it. Xena is given a horrible dress for her talent show, but alters it with a dagger (making the Matron even more suspicious). Xena decides to do swordplay for her talent and runs into Miss Messini while practicing outside. Miss Messini tells Xena how she
doesn’t even care about the pageant, she’s only doing it to please her sponsor … who’s also her boyfriend. Xena gives her some advice about prioritizing her own feelings instead of his. Meanwhile, someone has cut through a heavy beam above the stage. During the talent contest, Miss Messini plays her harp and Miss Artiphys twirls streamers. Miss Skyros does a snake charm act, unaware the beam above her head is about to break.
Xena notices Claron staring at the beam above the stage and realizes it’s about to collapse. She saves Miss Skyros and ends up perched on the beam 
with the dead snake around her neck, impressing the hell out of the audience. As Gabi talks to Claron, we see the three sponsors get knocked out one by one. Xena meets Claron, who pulls a dagger on her. Turns out he was sabotaging the contest, hoping the war would start up again since his kingdom (being neutral) made a shitpile of money supplying armies when the war was on. Xena has tied up
the three warlords and hidden them under a table, so they hear everything Claron says and know he’s been playing them. Xena reveals herself and kicks Claron’s ass right before Gabi comes in to tell her they’re about to declare a winner in the contest. Apparently “Miss Amphipolis” won, but Xena (back in her regular clothes) says Miss Amphipolis has withdrawn. Salmoneus is ready to crown the runner-up, but the other three girls all quit too: Miss Parnassus says she’ll work to help 
feed her village; Miss Skyros says she doesn’t need help to get away from her crappy life, she just needs to believe in herself; and Miss Messini says she doesn’t want to be in the contest anymore, and her boyfriend the Doge is cool with that. So the crown goes to Miss Artiphys, which is fitting since she seems to be the only one who really wanted it. She thanks Xena with a kiss, which almost makes Gabi’s eyes pop out. Later, Xena tells her the truth about Miss Artiphys and Gabi starts thinking up stupid drag-related titles for the story she plans to write about this adventure.
This isn’t one of my favourite episodes (it’s #115 on my all-time list); it’s not a terrible episode, but I think the parts are better than the whole. There’s some good stuff about being yourself and not letting others dictate 
your life, but it’s all a bit obvious. Even the big reveal about Claron isn’t too shocking; it makes sense that the supposedly-neutral guy would have the most to gain (and Claron tries a little too hard to be helpful). There’s also a running theme about how degrading beauty contests are, which is probably true but seems like low-hanging fruit. Apparently, Lucy participated in some beauty pageants in real life, so when Xena calls the contestants “under-dressed over-developed bimbos” I’m not sure if that’s Lucy expressing her true feelings, or Chris Manheim being ironic.
Just as Xena teaches the contestants how to trust themselves, Gabi tries to get the sponsors to stop being so selfish and show some compassion toward the girls. Gabi’s not quite so successful, but she does manage to get through to the Doge, so maybe he and Miss Messini will have a better relationship afterwards.
It’s interesting that Gabi starts out thinking the contest is sexist crap, but really gets into it when she realizes Xena might win. I guess it’s just her competitive spirit coming out. A lot of fans think Gabi looks jealous when Artiphys kisses Xena, but I see more astonishment than jealousy. I think Xena definitely has feelings for Gabi at this point (which she put on the back burner after Perdicus’s death), but I don’t think Gabi is quite aware of that yet. Her first inkling will come in a couple of episodes when Xena kisses her, after which Gabi will start re-evaluating her feelings.
Noticeable Things:
- Miss Artiphys was inspired by Chris Manheim’s brother (Keith Walsh), who was a drag performer in real life and died of AIDS. Miss Artiphys was played by Karen Dior, another real-life drag performer (who also died tragically young, of hepatitis).
- Gabi pretends to be the Marquesa, which suggests Spanish or Italian, but the accent she affects sounds French.
- As Miss Amphipolis, Xena wears a blonde wig, which is somewhat
ironic since Lucy is a natural blonde who dyed her hair dark to play Xena. - We get another instance of Xena saying “I have many skills”, this time when altering the dress with her dagger.
- There’s another stock shot of that castle first seen in Cradle of Hope.
- The Matron is constantly sneaking around, spying on Xena and being suspicious of her, but nothing comes of it. Either something was cut, or she was just a red herring.
- Queen for a Day and What a Drag are two titles Gabi considers for this story. I can’t help wondering if those were considered (and wisely rejected) in real life.
- I’m wondering how involved Xena was in the war that took place a year ago. She seems quite familiar with the details and the warlords all know her, but Gabi doesn’t know anything about the war and Xena has to explain it to her. Gabi and Xena were already travelling together a year ago, at least in “real” time, but maybe it’s been less than a year in Xena Time.
Favourite Quotes:
- “Your contestant is nearly killed and it’s you who’s insulted … get a life!” Gabi giving the Doge of Messini shit for being so selfish.
- “This is a chance to use a part of me most people usually laugh at—or worse. A part I usually have to hide, only here that part works for me.” Miss Artiphys explaining to Xena why being in the contest is so important to her.
- “Honey, I’m no princess, I’m a queen.” Artiphys assuring the Palatine that she isn’t Xena … and being slyly candid.
- “Xena, chiffon is bad, chartreuse is bad, but this is a disaster.” Gabi commenting on Xena’s terrible dress.