Episode 3: Confaegion
This one starts with Bo getting manhandled by a huge tattooed dude, most likely some species of troll. The Morrigan sent him because she’s still pissed off about that photo that bondage Bo took of her a couple episodes back. I don’t know why she’s embarrassed, she looked great. Kenzi helps Bo beat the troll dude (with a punch to the nutsack) and mentions how he’s the third Fae the Morrigan has sent after Bo lately. (The other two being some gelatinous frog-thing, and a creature with two heads that looked like Regis.) Kenzi points out that Bo hasn’t been healing very well lately, since she can only feed on Lauren in a limited way. But Bo’s in love (and being monogamous for once) and asks Kenzi why she dislikes Lauren so much. Kenzi says Lauren is bossy territorial, and controlling. Bo reports that Lauren considers Kenzi immature, irresponsible, and clingy. (Kenzi: “She does?”; Bo: “Oh, you said those things about yourself.”; Kenzi: “Yeah, but when I say it, it’s adorable.”) Bo says Kenzi will have to figure out a way to get along with Lauren, for her sake. At the Morrigan’s office, she gives the troll dude shit for not beating Bo and decides to step up her revenge campaign. She caresses a moving box festooned with padlocks, so whatever she’s planning ain’t gonna be pretty.
We see Vex at Lauren’s place, where she gives him some medical news. Apparently, there’s nothing wrong with him physically so his inability to use his Mesmer power must be psychological. Vex has a hard time accepting that and takes it out on Lauren (she probably shouldn’t have tried to give him the pamphlet), saying Bo will dump her eventually. (Vex: “It can’t be easy keeping up with Energizer Sucu-Bunny.”) Lauren throws him out and he goes to the Dal to drown his sorrows. After kvetching to Trick (who has earplugs in so he doesn’t have to hear it) and trying to mooch a drink off Dyson and Tamsin, Vex gets even more worked up. Bo comes in and gets the cold shoulder from Tamsin. Trick points out Bo’s bruises and says she shouldn’t underestimate the Morrigan. Bo says she’s cool as long as she has the bondage photo, but Vex bumps into her and lifts her phone (which has the pic on it). Trick suggests Bo go see the Ash … aka Hale.
Hale says Bo brought on the Morrigan’s wrath herself and he’s not willing to risk the new spirit of cooperation that’s sprung up between Light and Dark since the Goruda’s attack. I guess it’s cool the Fae are all getting along better, but that kinda leaves unaligned Bo out in the cold. Hale tries to recruit her to the Light and when that doesn’t work, he says he’ll post some guards near her place if she gets back his missing Staff of Righteousness. It’s currently being held by some sleazy pawnbroker, but he warns her the Staff has strange powers. At the Morrigan’s office, Vex gives her Bo’s phone and she erases the bondage photo. I guess Bo didn’t make copies, which is like Blackmail 101. Vex figured the Morrigan would be more grateful, but she mentions how much she wants Bo dead and hints that if Vex doesn’t kill her, the Morrigan might kill him. She slips some kind of pill into a drink and gives it to him before telling him to get lost.
Bo goes to Lauren’s place (with the Staff of Righteousness) to look for her phone and Lauren puts the moves on her. Bo’s not exactly against the idea, though she does worry Lauren might be overextending herself … so to speak. At home, Vex is still feeling sorry for himself and Kenzi says now he knows how she feels, being surrounded by Fae all the time while she has no powers of her own. She changes the subject and asks Vex about his kick-ass mascara techniques. He says he learned from DaVinci (Vex: “Now there was a queen for you. He was all over David’s arse like curry on chips.”) and shows her how to look fabulous. Bo comes home (with the Staff) and looks around for her phone. When she touches Vex, a weird change comes over her and she starts acting like a spurned teenager over Tamsin not wanting to be BFFs—and talking like one too. (Vex: “Did you happen to rifle through my duffel bag and scarf down a couple of yellow pills with tigers on them?”) She says she’s going to see Dyson, which makes Kenzi happy. Vex wonders why Kenzi likes Dyson so much and she mentions Lauren spy-banging Bo. Vex points out that Dyson’s treated Bo like crap too, but Kenzi don’t wanna hear it and insists he teach her the double-pump smudge-proof technique.
At the Dal, we see Bo actually has turned into a teenager, at least mentally. She gossips with Dyson about Tamsin, then asks if he has fake ID so they can get faced. When she touches him, she passes on the Morrigan’s affliction and he starts acting all goofy and awkward too. Lauren comes in and Bo confides that she thinks Dyson likes her and she’s thinking about kissing him, which obviously takes Lauren by surprise. Lauren takes Bo back to her place to see what’s wrong with her, but can’t find anything. Bo acts more and more goofy and seems to have a touch of amnesia too. (Bo: “You’re really hot; have you ever kissed a girl?”) Lauren asks if Bo’s come into contact with any strange Fae and Bo mentions “one gross guy with a magic stick”, then cracks up.
At the Dal, Dyson’s acting like a teenage goofball and transmits the plague to Tamsin, who immediately goes goofy herself. Lauren brings Bo in to see Trick and Bo is all resentful of his authority, threatening to count to a hundred (in French) if he doesn’t give her the car keys. I’m not sure how that’s a threat, but whatever. Lauren figures the Staff of Righteousness caused Bo to act like “Pollyanna on mushrooms”, but Trick can’t find any history of the Staff affecting people like that. Bo starts dancing on the bar and Trick shuts her down. (Bo: “Hey, don’t Kanye me!”) Trick and Lauren notice Dyson and Tamsin also acting like idiots and realize whatever Bo has is contagious. I’m not sure why Vex didn’t catch it, but maybe he’s just a carrier, like Typhoid Mary. Or maybe it’s because he lost his powers?
Speaking of Vex, he and Kenzi are still at home swapping beauty secrets when Lauren brings Bo, Dyson, and Tamsin in. She grounds them and Bo takes them upstairs to see her room. Lauren tells Kenzi they have a situation (Kenzi: “More like a shit-uation.”), but before they can figure out what to do, a pig-faced dude comes in. He’s sniffing around like he’s hunting truffles and Lauren figures he must be tracking Bo. All the weapons are upstairs and a still-powerless Vex gets his ass kicked, so Kenzi grabs the Staff of Righteousness. It grows in her hand and she pounds the shit out of the pig-dude. (Kenzi: “That’ll do, pig; that’ll do.”) The pig-dude is dead and Kenzi finds the Staff is stuck to her hand. (Vex: “Yeah, that happened to me once. Painful.”)
Upstairs, Dyson and Tamsin are loving Bo’s weapon collection and talking shit about her CDs, all of which she apparently bought “ironically.” Lauren and Kenzi try to warn them about the pig-dude, but they seem immune to any sense of danger. Lauren and Kenzi realize they’re getting no help from the teenage wasteland, so they tell them to stay put. They wonder why Vex isn’t affected and Lauren finds an empty cocoon behind his ear, which grosses Kenzi out. Lauren realizes he was used as an incubator for some kind of parasite that he passed on to Bo and asks if he’s been around any strange Fae lately. He immediately thinks of the Morrigan, but doesn’t tell them about her and heads out, saying he’ll make things right.
At the Morrigan’s place, she tells him the parasite regresses Fae to an adolescent state, before their powers manifested, which leaves them vulnerable. It also gives off a pheremone that attracts the pig-faced Underfae. Vex mentions Kenzi killing the pig-dude with the Staff and the Morrigan says she’ll forgive Vex if he brings her the Staff and kills Bo, Dyson, and Tamsin. I’m not sure what the Morrigan has against Tamsin … she’s Dark Fae, so the Morrigan should like her. Vex says he’ll do it if he gets all his old titles restored, a million bucks cash, and his club back. The Morrigan agrees.
At home, Kenzi and Lauren have an argument and toss insults back and forth. Kenzi seems to think Lauren looks down on her and Lauren thinks Kenzi figures she’s not good enough for Bo. They decide to give their mutual mistrust a rest and work on curing Bo and the others. Upstairs, Dyson is asleep and Bo and Tamsin are bonding. Tamsin lets it slip that she’s a Valkyrie, but isn’t quite sure what that means. (Tamsin: “Sometimes when I like people, I have to make them go away.”) She and Bo trade their deepest, darkest secrets—by writing them down in poetry … real poetry, with like, rhymes and stuff.
Downstairs, Kenzi and Lauren examine the dead pig-dude and Lauren says more of them will show up. She says she might be able to put together a cure for the parasite with what’s in her kit and some household stuff. She goes up to get a “swab” from Bo and comes back looking like she went to war. She starts putting the antidote together and tells Kenzi she learned a lot of improvised medicine in Afghanistan, which kinda impresses Kenzi. Upstairs, Bo and Tamsin exchange poetry and then swear never to reveal each other’s secrets. We aren’t told what the secrets are, but we know the girls are serious because they eat the poems afterwards.
Downstairs, Lauren’s still working on the antidote when Vex shows up with more pig-men. Kenzi’s pissed off at him for betraying them and she uses the Staff (still bonded to her hand) to pound the porkers. Vex grabs her, but she gives him a whack with the Staff as well. He hears the trio upstairs playing Duran Duran and flees, as anyone would, while Kenzi keeps wailing on the pig-dudes. Upstairs, Dyson’s doing a striptease on Bo’s bed to “Hungry Like the Wolf”, which seems a little on the nose to me. Kenzi yells for help, but they all ignore her. Downstairs, Kenzi is doing some crazy Jedi, Legends of Korra shit; it seems like the more she uses the Staff, the better she gets. I’m not sure why a hit from the Staff killed the first pig-dude, since these ones are taking multiple hits and coming back for more.
Lauren heads upstairs with the antidote as Kenzi continues the pig pounding. Vex shows up with an axe and tells Kenzi he wants the Staff. She tells him to come and get it. Upstairs, the three goofballs have been playing spin the bottle and Bo and Tamsin are in various stages of undress. (Dyson tells them it’s New Rules, and they believe him.) On the next spin, Bo and Tamsin end up kissing, which almost activates Bo’s succubus powers because Tamsin is apparently a pretty powerful Fae. Bo’s ready for more, but Lauren tongue blocks her by hitting her with the antidote. Downstairs, Kenzi is ready to kick Vex’s ass, but the pig-dudes grabs her. Vex is ready to kill her, but Kenzi gives him a speech about how losing his powers was the best thing that could’ve happened to him and how she feels like she knows the real Vex. She says he should be his own man and not kowtow to the Morrigan. He takes a big cut with his axe just as Lauren comes in, but it turns out he sliced up one of the pig-dudes. The others aren’t happy, but Bo’s back to her old self and ready to “bring home the bacon.”
We don’t see the pig slaughter, just Lauren and Kenzi’s reaction to it, but it sounds pretty epic. Vex tries to make nice and Lauren decks him, which impresses the shit out of Kenzi. At the Dal, Bo, Dyson, and Tamsin can’t remember what happened while they had the parasite and decide that’s probably a good thing. It seems they do have some residual memories, as Bo calls Tamsin “Tammy” and she and Dyson both hum “Hungry Like the Wolf.” Trick tells Kenzi whoever picks up the Staff of Righteousness is supposed to be the protector of Woodland Fae for the rest of their life. Kenzi’s not happy, but Trick’s just screwing with her and tells her she just has to say “I decline” and she can let go of the Staff, which she does.
The Morrigan goes to see Hale, who gives her shit for jeopardizing the new peace between Light and Dark. She says she was just having some fun, but Hale says if she pulls that shit again he’ll personally rip off her head and shove it up her lily-white ass. At home, Vex is getting ready to leave, which bums Kenzi out since he saved her ass and they were bonding and all. He says he was actually trying to kill her when he killed the pig-dude, but it’s kind of ambiguous whether he’s bullshitting or not. He says he has to take Lauren’s advice and go get his shit together, but gives Kenzi his ebony-handled, bison-bristle blush brush. He says goodbye and leaves. Don’t worry, we haven’t seen the last of old Vex.