Warehouse 13 Reviews: Season 5, Episode 3

Warehouse 13 opening titleEpisode 3: A Faire to Remember

This one starts at a Renaissance Faire, where the “King” tells the crowd that whoever wins the tournament later will win his daughter’s hand in marriage. I doubt if she’s really his daughter (and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have to marry anyone), but she is pretty good-looking. The festivities begin with some court dancers and jesters, one of whom is kind of a goofball. I know jesters are supposed to be goofballs, but this dudeheckler heart attack is doing it unintentionally. An asshole in the audience starts heckling the inept jester, which seems to bother one of the dancers, a cute little blonde. Another jester appears suddenly in a puff of smoke and points his wand at the heckler, giving him a laughing fit that ends in a heart attack. As the guy keels over, the masked jester vanishes in another puff of smoke, leaving everyone to wonder what the hell’s going on.

Speaking of smoke, Pete and Steve have burned breakfast (again) at the breakfast disasterboardinghouse. I thought Steve was a good cook, but I guess his skills don’t include English muffins, or whatever those burnt things are meant to be. Artie tells them he needs help transferring artifacts back to the Dark Vault after incorporating some of Paracelsus’s security measures. He also mentions there’s a ping at a Ren Faire and Myka immediately calls “not it”. Pete is stoked about the Faire (he can’t wait to be a knave), while Steve is somewhat less enthusiastic.

At the Faire, Pete gets right into the spirit, chowing down on one of those huge turkey legs that you always see at Ren Faires. Steve really not into the whole scene, but they finally meet the King, who also happens to own the Faire. He takes them aside before breaking character and telling them he has no clue who the phantom jester was. The Faire is packed with jesters ofPete loves the Faire all types, half of whom are customers, not employees. At the building where Claudia’s sister (Claire) is being kept comatose, Claudia breaks in and prepares to wake Claire up. Myka shows up to bust her, but instead of stopping her she says she’s there to help. Myka says her recent cancer scare has let her know how short life is and that she wouldn’t want to spend any of it without her sister. Since the artifact that gave Claire her “angry telekinesis” powers was destroyed, Claudia plans to use Dylan’s bus transfer and Volta’s biscuit tin to transfer the energy out of Claire and store it in the tin, but she and Myka will have to hold the artifacts since Claire is unconscious.

At the Faire, Pete and Steve question numerous jesters before getting anywhere. One of them says they should talk to the inept jester (Oswald) who was on stage when the heckler had his heart attack. The guy says Oswald isn’t really a jester (which explain his terrible juggling), he’s what Pete and Steve meet Oswald and Katarinathey call a doofer, because he does various jobs around the Faire: getting knives thrown at him, getting hit with pies, being a dungeon prisoner, shoveling horseshit. They find Oswald doing another glamour job, as the target in the dunk tank. At least he gets to hang out with that cute blonde I mentioned earlier (whose name is Katarina). After Steve dunks him, Oswald says he has no clue who the phantom jester was or why the heckler had a heart attack. Oswald says he shouldn’t even have been on stage, since he was supposed to be a knight by now—at least, according to his contract. Katarina tries to reassure Oswald, but he’s pretty down on himself.

Oswald’s pity party is interrupted by a runaway cart that’s heading straight for a kid. Steve tries to slow the cart and Pete grabs the kid out of the way just in time. The King tries to pretend it was all part of the show, but he’sPete saves the kid freaking out because accidents like that are bad for business. Pete wonders if Oswald, the pissed off doofer, is trying to ruin the Faire. Back in Univille, Claudia and Myka use the artifacts on Claire, who starts shaking like an epileptic. Some of the energy being transferred from Claire’s body goes through Myka’s protective gloves and up her arm. Claire stops shaking, so they re-bag the artifacts and Claudia wakes her sister up.

Claire is naturally taken aback at first, and doesn’t believe Claudia when she tells her she’s her sister. Makes sense, since the last time they saw each Claire tries to figure out what's going onother, Claudia was seven. Claire catches a look at herself and realizes she’s not fifteen anymore; Claudia tells her fifteen years have gone by and Claire has a meltdown, freaking out about being thirty (and missing prom, graduation, the Garbage concert …) Claudia asks Myka to give her and Claire some time alone and asks if Myka will soften Artie up a bit before they get back. Myka says she’ll take care of Artie, as her eyes glow with the same metallic sheen Claire had when was was doing her angry telekinetic freak-outs.

At the Faire, Pete and Steve ask Katarina where Oswald is and she points him out in the crowd. As they approach him, a wizard pops out of thin air and starts blasting with a wand. Steve tries to Tesla him, but that justSteve fighting the wizard creates several duplicate wizards, all of whom turn their wands toward Steve. The Princess gets hit by a stray blast and her dress catches fire. Pete puts it out and Steve takes a flying tackle at the wizard, who vanishes along with all his doubles. Pete pretends it was all part of the show to keep the crowd from freaking out. He and Steve tell Oswald they really need to talk to him.

At the boardinghouse, Claudia shows Claire around, but after fifteen years in a coma, Claire’s having some culture shock. She’s blown away by an iPad (and the fact the Internet is still around) and an Xbox controller. When Claudia talks about video games, Claire mentions Donkey Kong, which Myka getting upsetseems like a rather dated reference for someone who went into a coma in 1999. Claire starts freaking out about how much she’s missed, but Claudia tells her she was in a mental institution for years and still managed to catch up. Claire notices Claudia has her old guitar and Claudia offers to take her to the coffee shop where she plays. At the Warehouse, Artie is ready to transfer the artifacts back to the Dark Vault. Myka shows up to help, but she’s in a shitty mood and Artie worries her negative energy might have an effect on the artifacts. Myka gets a little worked up and a box falls to the floor; it looks like she has the same affliction Claire had, where she can move things telekinetically when she’s mad, but I’m not sure if the anger causes the telekinesis, or if the telekinesis feeds the anger.

At the Faire, Oswald says he has nothing to do with all the weird shit going on, so Pete wonders if he might be the target. He asks about Oswald’s movements the day the heckler died and Oswald says he did everything the same as usual, except he got his fortune told by Madame Doria. He told her he wanted to be a hero and win the hand of the Princess—by which he meant actually date the girl who plays the Princess—and Madame DoriaPete grabs the queen told him in order to make that happen, he had to be a hero. They go to talk to Madame Doria, but she denies casting any curses (lately) and says she didn’t even read Oswald’s fortune. They bag her cards, but nothing happens and Doria takes off. They chase her onto a human chess board, where the White Queen suddenly comes to life and starts slashing at everyone with twin blades. Steve tries to Tesla her and gets cut, and when Pete grabs her, she disappears. Again, the crowd thinks it’s all part of the show and they love it.

At the coffee shop, Claudia and Claire bond by jamming on a duet of Garbage’s “When I Grow Up”., while at the Warehouse, Myka gets more agitated and causes more random stuff to move around. Artie finally figures bagging Mother Shipton's cardsout she’s been whammied by an artifact, but Myka’s already pretty pissed off and getting madder all the time. At the Faire, Pete and Steve catch Madame Doria, who turns out to be Katarina’s grandmother. Apparently, Katarina is the one who read Oswald’s fortune (disguised as Doria) and used Mother Shipton’s cards to make his wishes come true. Turns out Katarina has the hots for Oswald (which he was naturally clueless about) and wanted to help him get what he wanted, even if it wasn’t her. They bag the cards, but Doria says the scenario will continue to play out until Oswald becomes a hero … or dies in the attempt.

All the earlier stuff—the heckler, the cart, the Wizard, the White Queen—were opportunities for Oswald to do something heroic … all of which he missed. Katarina says since Oswald’s desire is to win the Princess, he’ll have to win the tournament, so another opportunity for heroics will probably arise there. Pete says he’ll try to arrange things in Oswald’s favour and Katarina mentions the final card she turned up for Oswald was the Death card. At the Warehouse, Myka is really getting mad now, and she starts going on about how she had to go through her cancer scare alone and howArtie shoots Myka with a dart she doesn’t want to end up with nobody she can count on. I think the artifact energy must take someone’s worries and magnify them into full on fear and paranoia, which feeds the anger, which manifests as telekinesis. When Artie sees her eyes glowing and the stuff spontaneously moving around the room, he realizes Myka must’ve been affected by the energy from the music box that caused Claire to go nuts and kill her parents fifteen years ago. He shoots Myka with a knockout dart, but that just pisses her off even more and she rises into the air like Claire did at her school years ago.

At the Faire, the tournament begins and the usual amateur swordsmen try to show off their moves. (I wonder why there aren’t any women in the Oswald not happy about facing Deathtournament; it’d be cool to see a woman win the hand of the Princess.) Oswald’s not really into the whole hero thing, but Pete and Steve force him to sign up. (Pete: “With clear eyes and a full heart, you can’t lose.”; Oswald: “I’m nearsighted and I have arrhythmia.”) Steve assures him all he has to do is beat the last card, and how hard can that be? Well … The living embodiment of Death shows up (though not on a pale horse), with glowing red eyes, a skull head, and noxious black breath. He challenges Oswald, who’s practically shitting himself. Pete tells Steve to keep Oswald in the ring while he takes care of something.

Despite Steve handing him weapons, Oswald can’t do shit against Death and decides to get the hell out of there, saying even the Princess isn’t worth this. Katarina steps into the ring and Death says he’ll take her instead. That gets Oswald’s attention and he grabs a sword and skewers Death, who disappears. And the crowd goes wild. At the boardinghouse, Claudia andOswald saves Katarina from Death Claire return, singing crappy Aerosmith songs. Claudia tells Claire their parents are dead, but doesn’t fill her in on the details … like, Claire’s the one who killed them. But Claire starts to have flashes of memory and realizes she wasn’t in the car with her parents when they were killed. Artie calls to let Claudia know what’s up with Myka, so Claudia and Claire rush over to the Warehouse. Myka’s still losing her shit and Artie tells Claudia the music box energy has to have a human host, which is why the bus transfer/biscuit tin thing didn’t work. Claire and Claudia distract Myka long enough for Artie to use Pliny’s scroll to encase Myka in amber, but he says that won’t hold her for long.

Claire remembers everything she did and volunteers to be the host for the energy again. Claudia is willing to take her place, but Claire says she doesn’t want Claudia, Myka, or anyone else to suffer for her. She thanks Claudia for giving her one day back and says she’s ready to be put back in her coma. Claire put back in a comaThey go back to the holding facility and Claire and Claudia say goodbye … and sing a few last lines from “When I Grow Up”. Claudia promises she’ll find a way to bring Claire back, and Artie puts Claire back in her coma. I assume the energy was already transferred from Myka back to Claire, although that isn’t shown. At the Faire, Oswald receives his knighthood and is offered the Princess’s hand, but he declines her in favor of Katarina. Pete admits he told Katarina to face Death to give Oswald the motivation to be a hero. Pete then puts the moves on the jilted Princess, but she turns out to have a really annoying voice, like Fran Drescher with a deviated septum. At the Warehouse, Artie shows Claudia the room where he’s been working on solutions to Claire’s problem for the last fifteen years. He tells Claudia and Myka that they’re all family and none of them has to go through anything alone ever again.

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