Warehouse 13 Season 5, Episode 4

Warehouse 13 opening titleEpisode 4: Savage Seduction

This one starts with Pete catching Myka doing something embarrassing … working on a novel. What’s really embarrassing is that she’s been writing it for a year and is only on page six. Artie comes in and says there’s a ping, but he wants Steve and Claudia toPete freaking out about pregnant Kelly handle it. Claudia has shut herself away to research a method of bringing her sister back and Artie figures going after an artifact will be a good distraction. After Artie and Steve leave, Pete and Myka have another visitor, Pete’s ex-girlfriend Kelly (still played by Paula Garces). She’s pregnant and Pete freaks out for a minute, even though they’ve been broken up for two years. Kelly says she’s married now but she needs their help; her grandmother’s TV is possessed.

Steve tells Claudia they’ve got a mission but she says she’d rather keep working. She claims to be close to a breakthrough, but Steve’s lie-detection sense tells him she’s full of crap. He says they have to check out Dakota seeing Nana in the TV showUniversity where a student’s spine suddenly got broken in four places. Pete and Myka go to Kelly’s grandma’s house. Kelly tells them her Nana has been lonely since her grandpa died a couple years ago and spends most of her time watching TV. Her favourite show is a telenovela called Savage Seduction. It’s on the TV when they come in, which is weird because the show was supposedly canceled the night before; even weirder, the TV isn’t plugged in. Kelly can’t think where her grandma could’ve gone, but Pete figures it out after seeing a photo of her and checking out the show … she’s a character in the telenovela.

Kelly recognizes the character her Nana is playing: Doña Fausta, the matriarch of the Obregon family. In the series finale, Fausta was murdered and Kelly worries that her grandma will be killed too. The cat gets too close to the TV and is pulled inside, appearing in the telenovela. Pete sprays the TVflashback to Charlie getting knocked over with neutralizer, but that doesn’t help, so they start looking around for artifacts. At Dakota U., Steve and Claudia talk to the professor who saw Charlie’s accident. He says Charlie was giving a lecture when a shadow flew into the room, hit him, and knocked him back into the wall. When he was taken to the hospital, his spine was broken in four places and he had alcohol poisoning. The professor can’t believe that, since Charlie’s report was so good and he didn’t act drunk at all.

At Kelly’s Nana’s house (in Duluth, Minnesota), they can’t find anything suspicious. Pete calls Artie, who says the artifact might have been pulled into the TV with Nana. As Pete watches, Fausta is almost killed by a falling flowerpot. Kelly freaks out and jumps toward the TV. When Myka grabs her, Maribel threatens Carmenthey’re both pulled in, immediately becoming characters in the show. Pete paraphrases Poltergeist (“This house is not clean.”) and tells Artie things just got real. In the telenovela, Myka and Kelly are now characters in the story; Myka is Maribel, the devious maid (and she looks pretty good in the uniform, I must say), while Kelly is Carmen, a snotty businesswoman who’s jealous because Maribel used to have a thing with her husband, Armando. Yeah, they’re really going all out with the telenovela theme, with everyone chewing the scenery. And it looks like Myka and Kelly have no idea of their real identities; they’re completely in character.

Artie shows up at Nana’s house and Pete fills him in (“Myka is a super-hot maid who hates Kelly and they’re waiting for this guy Armando, who I’m hoping doesn’t show up because I really want to see these two make out.”) Pete shows Artie a letter from the telenovela producers which says they sentArtie reads the letter about the brooch Nana Hernandez a brooch from the show for being such a devoted fan. Artie sees that Fausta is wearing the brooch in the show, so he figures it must be the artifact. At Dakota, Steve and Claudia check out Charlie’s room. His roommate tells them Charlie wanted to do well in class and party his ass off too, like everybody. He says Charlie was wasted the night before, puking off a bridge as the sun came up. Steve and Claudia can’t believe that, since Charlie was sober and insightful half an hour later in class.

In Duluth, Artie figures they’ll have to go inside the telenovela to neutralize the brooch. Pete wonders how they’ll avoid becoming their characters like Myka and Kelly did. Artie gives him one of Harvey Korman’s cuff-links, Pete as Armandosaying as long as they each have one, they’ll retain their own personalities. (Harvey Korman was famous for not staying in character on the Carol Burnett Show.) They each take a cuff-link and jump into the TV. Pete becomes Armando, with a kick-ass mustache and a terrible accent (although I should say that Pete, Myka, and Artie all speak Spanish pretty well; their accents aren’t perfect, but they manage to speak fairly quickly, which is a hell of a lot more than I could do). Unfortunately, Pete and Artie were separated in the transition, so Pete has no clue where Artie is.

Near Dakota U., Steve and Claudia find the party site and there’s a car with a busted windshield and a dented roof right under a bridge. They figure Charlie might’ve fallen off and that theory is confirmed when Claudia finds his phone. There’s video of Charlie falling off the bridge and landing on theSteve and Claudia check out the party site car. The fall fits with his injuries, and with how the professor described Charlie slamming into the wall. The video was taken while Charlie was in class, so whatever artifact they’re looking for let him be in two places at once. Before he fell, Charlie yelled out “My candle burns” and mentioned the name of a frat, Psi Phi Zeta. Steve figures that could be the frat’s motto and says they should check it out. He reluctantly admits he was in a frat in college. (Claudia: “I bet you were just like Hoover.”)

Alicia makes an entrance
I think you’re hot, Sonia Braga.

In the telenovela, Carmen pressures Pete to marry her (since she’s carrying his child), but he needs to look for Artie and warn Doña Fausta she’s in trouble. Carmen’s mother Alicia comes in (played by Sonia Braga, who looks totally hot, as usual) and takes Carmen shopping … after giving Pete a wink, the lucky bastard. At Dakota U., Steve and Claudia check the frat where a guy named Bryce gives them the runaround, refusing to let them in. They see an obnoxious drunk named Ox stumble down the hallway, then seconds later notice Ox calmly studying on a bench outside. They peek through the windows and see Ox chugging beer like a maniac, but when he passes out a shadow flies from his body to the Ox on the bench outside, knocking him on his ass. Ox gets up, drunk out of his mind, and hurls all over. Claudia figures the frat has found a duplication artifact that lets them party and study simultaneously.

In the telenovela, Pete hears a gunshot and finds Doña Fausta with a wounded arm. After calling the paramedics, she tells Pete (and Carmen and Alicia) that she received an anonymous note about her missing son, ColonelFausta wounded Obregon, who was Carmen’s father and Alicia’s husband before his mysterious disappearance. The Colonel also took Armando (now Pete) in and raised him like a son, which makes the romance between Armando and Carmen a bit weird. Fausta says someone busted in, grabbed her brooch (and other jewelry), took the note from her hand, and shot her before running off. Pete checks the rifled jewelry box and finds a feather, which makes him think of Maribel, the disgruntled maid. He leaves, vowing to find the thief.

At the university, Steve and Claudia check out the frat party, counting on Pete convinces Maribel to helpClaudia’s cleavage to distract the frat boys and keep them from being thrown out. They follow a guy wearing a robe and mask to the basement, where a bunch of frat brothers are doing some kind of weird ritual in a room. In the telenovela, Pete finds Maribel but she’s in character and tries to hit him with a broom. Pete asks her about the missing Colonel and she gets evasive. Pete convinces her he’s on her side and she tries to put the moves on him, but he stops her, saying they have to find Colonel Obregon and save Doña Fausta.

At the university, Claudia waylays a frat brother and Steve sneaks into the meeting. The brothers are lighting candles (and reciting Edna St. Vincent Millay) off a double-headed candle held by Bryce. Steve’s cover is blown and Bryce uses the candle against him. Everyone takes off, leaving Claudia to come in and check on Steve … who’s been split into two Steves, one of whomArtie gives Pete his cufflink is super-gay. In the telenovela, Maribel takes Pete to the mental institution where Colonel Obregon is being held. Yup, the Colonel is Artie. He’s glad to see Pete, who tells him whoever stuck him in the institution is probably the one who took the artifact. But since they retain their own personalities, they don’t have the knowledge their characters would have, so Artie gives Pete his cuff-link so Artie can regain Colonel Obregon’s mind and memories. Unfortunately, as soon as the Colonel gets his personality back, he starts strangling Pete.

The Colonel says Pete is the one who stuck him in there, but admits he only knows that because Alicia told him; apparently she’s the only one who’s come to visit him. He goes back to strangling Pete, who throws the cuff-links on the floor and becomes Armando. Maribel picks them up and gains her normal personality. She stops the Colonel, who confesses that he’s the Steves agree to cooperateactually her father (her mother was his parents’ maid) and that he’s always wanted to tell her; yeah, this is definitely a soap opera. Myka is touched by the Colonel’s sentiments, but she needs Artie so she gives him one of the cuff-links. At the university, the two Steves are bickering like crazy; one is a very serious straight-arrow and the other is an over-the-top gay stereotype. Claudia is loving both (although she loves the gay Steve a little more), but says they have to split up and find Bryce. Serious Steve intimidates people at the party, while Claudia finds her cleavage is now a drawback while trying to get serious answers. Stereotype Steve helps a young dude come out of the closet and ends up dancing on the bar with him. They spot Bryce and take off after him.

In the telenovela, Myka realizes they need the Colonel back again, so she tells Artie to give Armando his cuff-link, which restores Pete’s personality. He and Myka convince the Colonel that Alicia is the one who put him in the institution and the Colonel says it’s because he knows … her deep, dark secret! At the university, Claudia and the two Steves catch Bryce, who admits the double-headed candle belonged to Edna St. Vincent Millay; goodClaudia and the Steves catch Bryce thing the artifact wasn’t based on something like “I, Being Born a Woman and Distressed” or who knows what might’ve happened. Before Claudia can bag the artifact. Stereotype Steve grabs it and runs off, saying he’s not ready to disappear yet. In the telenovela, Pete, Myka, and the Colonel return home and the Colonel tells Carmen she’s not really his daughter because Alicia had an affair. Alicia is the one who’s been trying to kill Doña Fausta to get Carmen’s inheritance for herself. Carmen slaps Pete (again), causing him to drop the cuff-link, which the Colonel picks up and he instantly becomes Artie again while Pete reverts to Armando.

Turns out Carmen knew the truth all along and was in on it with her mother, Alicia. After telling Armando the baby isn’t his, she pulls a gun. Carmen shows her true coloursArtie knocks it from her hand, but Alicia comes through a secret door and grabs the gun, shooting Artie. Alicia and Carmen take off to kill Doña Fausta before she finds out the truth and cuts them from her will. Armando’s losing it over Artie’s flesh wound because the Colonel is the only father he’s ever known, so Artie gives him the cuff-link and tells Myka to find Carmen and Alicia before they kill Doña Fausta. Pete gets his own mind back and he and Myka go after Carmen and Alicia.

They find the two schemers in Doña Fausta’s bedroom, trying to poison her with pills disguised as medicine. Pete and Myka tell Fausta the truth aboutthe Steves square off Carmen being illegitimate and that Myka is Fausta’s real granddaughter. Carmen denies it, but the Colonel comes in to back them up. Carmen holds the gun on them while Alicia puts a pillow over Fausta’s face. At the university, Serious Steve finds Stereotype Steve dancing on the bar and they start fighting. The candle is tossed aside as they grapple, with Stereotype Steve telling his counterpart he’s going to die a lonely old hag because he’s no fun.

In the telenovela, Myka kicks the gun from Carmen’s hand, but Carmen shows some skills of her own, kicking Myka and Pete around and making Maribel and Carmen fightthem drop the cuff-links and revert to Maribel and Armando. (Apparently the real father of Carmen’s baby is a kickboxer.) Carmen and Maribel square off as Armando tries to stop Alicia and the Colonel notices the dropped cuff-links. At the university, Bryce grabs the candle, but Claudia decks him and bags it. The two Steves are still fighting and Claudia realizes one of them has to be unconscious to reverse the process, so she Teslas Stereotype Steve. He turns into a shadow and merges with Serious Steve, who falls off the bar and feels sick from all the booze his twin was chugging.

In the telenovela, Armando knocks out Alicia (copping a feel while dragging her away … lucky bastard) and smashes a vase over Carmen’s head before she can finish Maribel off. Artie picks up the cuff-link and notices the brooch in Alicia’s purse. Armando and Maribel prepare to confess their lovePete cops a feel on Sonia Braga the lucky bastard for each other, but before they can, Maribel’s mother arrives and tells them they’re actually brother and sister. Artie has had enough drama, so he breaks the brooch in half, ending the story. At the university, Claudia thanks Steve for getting her away from worrying about her sister and promises she won’t let him die alone. In Duluth, Kelly’s Nana is back to her old self (and already crazy about a new telenovela) and she and Pete say goodbye. He says he wishes things could’ve worked out for them, but Kelly says there was no chance, since he’s obviously in love with Myka. At the Warehouse, Artie comes in to tell Claudia that her sister has gone missing.

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