That’s a rather ironic title, since this is the last episode of Warehouse 13. It basically gives the characters (and fans) a chance to look back on the series and how they’ve evolved over the past five years. But don’t worry, it’s not one of those flashback episodes; we get to see new “old memories” as the characters face the end of their time at the Warehouse. Last episode, the mason’s compass that signals the imminent relocation of the Warehouse started glowing and Mrs. Frederick said events were in motion that even she couldn’t stop. This episode opens with H.G. Wells taking on Jack the Ripper in 1889 London. Jack corners a helpless prostitute, but it turns out to be Wells using Harriet Tubman’s thimble to change her appearance. She kicks Jack’s ass and is congratulated by her mentor, Katuranga. He tells her the first eleven Warehouses weren’t located in England and that the thirteenth will be somewhere else too, after British power fades. Wells is certain the sun will never set on the Empire, but of course we know better.
It turns out Wells’s adventure was being replayed by a massive stone table, around which are gathered Pete, Myka, Artie, Claudia, Steve, and Mrs. Frederick. Mrs. Frederick explains that the Table (which inspired the Arthurian Round Table legends) is a time capsule of sorts. It stores the memory of an agent’s defining moment with the Warehouse, hence Wells’s memory of stopping Jack the Ripper. (If you’re wondering where Wells is now, Myka says she broke up with Nate and is now seeing a woman named Gisele; I guess she and Myka have kept in touch.) Mrs. Frederick says it’s time for each of them to contribute their defining memory to the table, which worries Artie since that only happens when the Warehouse is about to be moved. Mrs. Frederick confirms his fear, saying Warehouse 13 has reached the end of its tenure.
Everyone freaks out until Mrs. Frederick assures them it’s not because of anything they’ve done. Steve figures getting out of South Dakota might be good, but Myka knows the new host country will supply the Warehouse agents, so none of them will be going. Pete gets really worked up and asks why they aren’t trying to stop it from happening. Mrs. Frederick informs him that this isn’t a crisis to be solved, it’s just the natural order of things.
Pete gets mouthy and Claudia decides to defuse things by making her contribution to the memory time capsule. Mrs. Frederick says the artifact will choose each agent’s defining moment, so Claudia places her hand in the centre of the Table and we get a flashback montage that zooms by at lightning speed. The memory the Table focuses on is an adventure we haven’t seen before. Apparently, the marquee from the original Broadway production of 42nd Street was activated (by Pete, naturally) and produced an endless parade of leggy showgirls tap-dancing through the Warehouse, threatening to overrun all of them.
Unfortunately, it also caused everyone to tap-dance uncontrollably, not letting them stop until they danced themselves to death. Artie figures out how to destroy the marquee, but says it needs to be charged up first by a big showstopping number. Everyone agrees Claudia is the one to do it and Artie gives her a pep talk straight out of 42nd Street. (“You may be going out there as the B-team, but you’re coming back the A-team!”) While the others gather the artifacts they need, Claudia (in a sexy showgirl outfit of course) leads the chorus girls in the big number. As she brings the number to a smashing finish, the others smash all the marquee lights, destroying the artifact, banishing the showgirls, and stopping the music. Claudia is exhausted but says being an Agent is the best job ever.
As the memory fades, Myka points out how sad Claudia looked. Claudia tries to cover up, but Mrs. Frederick says that was probably when Claudia realized she didn’t want to be Caretaker after all. Claudia admits she loves being an Agent and can’t imagine giving it up for anything … not even the Caretaker job. Pete agrees and says if they won’t do something to stop the Warehouse moving, he will. After Pete goes off in a huff and Myka follows him, Claudia apologizes to Artie for letting him down by questioning her destiny. She says everyone has doubts sometimes, although Mrs. Frederick kinda throws her under the bus. (Claudia: “it’s only human to have doubts, right Mrs. Frederick, you must’ve had your doubts?”; Mrs. Frederick: “No, I was always resolute.”) Artie tells Claudia she has to do what’s right for her or she’ll be miserable. Artie asks if he can choose the memory he wants to contribute and Mrs. Frederick says yes, but warns him it could backfire.
We get another flashback montage before Artie’s memory coalesces. He and another Agent (Scott Mohr, played by Samm Levine from Freaks and Geeks) head into an empty lot where an old ballroom manifests right in front of their eyes. Artie explains that the scene originally happened at 11:35 PM on December 31, 1941. A bunch of GIs where getting ready to ship out and were saying goodbye to their sweethearts. The place re-appears every year at the exact same time, so Artie figures someone in the room doesn’t want the night to end and is using an artifact to keep the same scene replaying over and over. Because of the time-sensitive nature of the scene, Artie can only enter (using the Versailles tuning forks to keep from being caught in the scene) once per year and can only investigate for 25 minutes each time, since the scene fades at midnight. Consequently, he’s been trying to crack this one for years and he brought Scott this time as a pair of fresh eyes.
Artie has the suspects narrowed down to three: a Captain who has a family, a Lieutenant with a sick mother, and another Lieutenant (Roth), who got married right before Pearl Harbor. Scott points out that Roth looks pissed off, whereas the other two are partying like it’s their last chance, which, as far as they know, it is. Artie checks out Roth, while Scott talks to his wife, Laura. He lets t slip that she’s pregnant but hasn’t told her husband yet. Scott notices she keeps refilling her champagne glass but never takes a drink (which is probably a good thing, since she’s pregnant) and when he mentions that to Artie, he realizes the champagne glass is the artifact and Laura is the one stopping time. They confront her and Scott blurts out that she’s pregnant, saying the father has a right to know. Laura and her husband agree they want a future for the baby and Artie bags the glass, causing the scene to fade right at midnight. Scott is a little out of it and says the whole “mother withholding the truth about pregnancy” thing kinda got to him. Artie apologizes and it turns out Scott is his son.
At the table, Claudia freaks out, wondering why Artie never mentioned he had a kid. Artie explains that he didn’t know about Scott until years after he was born and at that time, Regents were the only ones allowed to have a One” to share the details of their Warehouse lives with. Artie demanded all Agents get a One or he’d quit, and the Regents agreed. So, I guess Scott is Artie’s One. Claudia’s still pissed off that he’s been keeping this from her all this time and takes off to process it. Meanwhile, Pete’s trying to convince Myka to help him stop the end of the Warehouse. She shows him the Warehouse Manual—which turns out to be a whole room full of huge books—but says there’s no point in fighting it. Pete gets mad and they get into one of those arguments where both sides end up yelling “Fine!” multiple times. As Myka walks away, Pete realizes he really doesn’t want to read all those books.
Claudia and Artie talk and he explains the reason he never told her about Scott was because the whole idea of having a One is to have someone outside the craziness of the Warehouse to keep their lives in balance. If Claudia had known about Scott she would’ve wanted to meet him and then bring him in as a Warehouse Agent, which would defeat the whole purpose. Artie says in order to stay sane doing what they do, sometimes you have to be a little selfish; that advice probably works for most people, now that I think about it. He tells Claudia she doesn’t have to decide her entire future right away and that it’s not a crime to change her mind. He just wants her to be happy, even if it means being a little selfish sometimes.
Back at the table, Myka just misses Mrs. Frederick sharing a hell of a memory with Steve; we don’t get to see what it was, but Steve says “You were there for that?!” and they’re both laughing their asses off. Myka takes her turn at the table and we get another flashback montage. When her memories focus, she’s doing the classic murder mystery riff of explaining the crime to group of people. This particular group looks like a Desperate Housewives homage, but with a twist; when Myka finishes the convoluted plot twists and explains that one of them has been using a Japanese artifact to transform into a ninja cat-burglar, they inform her that they’ve all been using the artifact. Yup, it’s five suburban ninja women versus Myka … and Pete, who wanders in wearing plaid pants and a polo shirt; I guess they were undercover. (And now all I can think about is ninja Teri Hatcher … yowza.) A big brawl ensues and they take the ninja women down—with Myka doing most of the ass-kicking, as usual. At the table, Steve points out the goofy look on Myka’s face and says it’s pretty obvious she has romantic feelings for Pete. Myka hesitates, then finally admits she’s in love with Pete. Of course, Pete has just recently admitted to himself that he loves Myka, but Steve’s the only one who knows.
In the aisles, Artie is talking to himself and gets pissed off about losing the only life he’s ever known. He starts ranting at the Warehouse about everything he’s done and how he’s given everything—and lost a lot—without expecting anything in return. He tells the Warehouse it’ll never find anyone as devoted as him, who would give their entire live without any acknowledgment or gratitude. A breeze blows down the aisle and an apple rolls to a stop at Artie’s feet. He picks it up and says “You’re welcome.” Back at the table, Claudia arrives a second too late to see another memory Mrs. Frederick shared with Steve … this one about the mysterious Mr. Frederick.
It’s Steve’s turn to contribute a memory, but he’s worried he might not have a defining moment, since he’s always considered himself an outsider compared to the rest of them. He says he’s the Marilyn of the group, referring to the Munsters. Claudia figures she’s Marilyn, but Steve informs her otherwise. (“No, no, no, you are Eddie; Pete is Herman, Myka’s Lily, Artie’s Grandpa, and Mrs. Frederick is … not really part of the pattern.”) Steve goes ahead and we get more montage shots. His memory turns out to be an adventure that involved H.G. Wells shrinking a mini-submarine and injecting it into Artie’s bloodstream. Somehow, Artie had a clock embedded in his heart that stopped his heart from beating, so Claudia and Steve pull a Fantastic Voyage (Claudia’s even dressed similarly, though her outfit’s not quite as tight as Raquel Welch’s.) Steve goes EVA and ends up inside Artie’s heart where he blasts the clock with a neutralizer gun, starting Artie’s heart beating again.
At the table, Steve (who’s a Buddhist) says that being inside a beating human heart was the closest he’s ever come to nirvana. He realizes he couldn’t have had that experience anywhere else and says the ritual with the time capsule isn’t just about them leaving their memories, it’s also a gift the Warehouse is giving to them. Elsewhere in the Warehouse, Pete is trying to drag the plinth containing the compass to the furnace to destroy it. Myka tries to tell him she’s in love with him, but he’s too busy ranting to listen. He says he’s been a fuck-up his whole life, but in the Warehouse he’s the best version of himself, and if that goes away, who the hell is he? Myka finally shuts him up by giving him a big smooch (and giving all the shippers out there heart attacks).
At first, he thinks it’s a joke, or worse (“Did you accidentally touch a nympho artifact?”), but Myka tells him she loves him and once he figures out she’s serious, he admits he loves her too. Naturally, he’s ready to bang right then and there, but Myka says he still has to make his contribution to the time capsule. We see Steve sharing another of Mrs. Frederick’s memories, this one of when Leena first came to work at the Warehouse. She tells Mrs. Frederick she knows she’s going to die there someday and Mrs. Frederick says she’ll do all she can to prevent that. Leena says she won’t be able to stop it, but that’s okay. Steve gets all broken up and leaves to get his shit together just as Pete arrives. With no one there except Mrs. Frederick, Pete takes his turn and we get another set of flashbacks.
But these memories go by at a normal pace, giving us a last look at the adventures of the last five years. Most of them involve Pete, but there are shots of the others, plus some recurring characters. When the montage ends, everyone has gathered by the table and Myka asks why Pete didn’t have a defining moment. Pete figures his defining moment was all of it, every moment he got to spend with them and be a Warehouse Agent. Pete says being an Agent has made him a better person and whether it ends tomorrow or goes on forever, nothing will ever change that. Then Steve states the obvious: “Or maybe you broke the Table.”, which makes Mrs. Frederick start laughing like a hyena. They’re ready to see more memories, but Artie gets a ping so it’s time to head back to work. Before leaving, Pete asks if it’s really over and Mrs. Frederick says that this particular wonder is endless, so who knows? Pete gives her a kiss and says he’ll see her tomorrow … and he calls her Irene.
As the team gather to see what the emergency is, they slowly fade from view and the scene moves to several decades in the future. (According to behind the scenes info, this part takes place 50 years in the future, in 2063.) Three different (yet somewhat familiar) Agents are gathered around a holographic console: Jack, who looks, sounds, and acts a lot like Artie; and Adam and Jenny, who I guess are the Pete and Myka analogues. Adam and Jenny must be fairly new because they’re arguing about whether they want to commit fully to the Warehouse when they get a surprise visitor … the Caretaker, Ms. Donovan. Yup, Claudia is Caretaker 50 years in the future (and the Warehouse hasn’t moved); I have to say, she dresses a lot sexier than Mrs. Frederick, and she seems to have mastered the not aging thing. Claudia tells them they don’t have to commit their whole lives to anything right now and it’s not a crime to change their minds. Jack mentions a rumour that the Warehouse might be moving, but Claudia says if she had a nickel for every time the Warehouse threatened to move … She says sometimes it just takes a liking to people and then is taken aback at the resemblance between this bunch and Pete, Myka, and Artie. She does the famous disappearing trick, freaking out Jenny and Adam, but we see Claudia has gone to the Round Table. She activates it, giving us a series of voice overs of different characters saying “Endless Wonder”.
And that’s the end of Warehouse 13. I have to admit, I got a bit misty during Pete’s speech, and at the last “Endless Wonder”, whispered by Artie. I’ll talk a bit more about the series next week and announce my next TV review. I hope you’ll all join me.