Married With Fishsticks – Director: Paul Grinder/Writer: Kevin Maynard
This one starts with Gabi having trouble settling Eve down when she’s crying. Gabi used to be good with kids, but fears she’s lost her touch. When Joxer shows up with completely inappropriate baby food (baby-back
ribs), he and Gabi are sent to town to get something better. They interrupt a fight between Aphrodite and Discord and when Gabi tries to stop it, she’s accidentally knocked out and falls in the water. She wakes up with no memory of who she is, being tended to by a guy named Hagar (who looks just like Joxer). If the amnesia wasn’t enough, Gabi is horrified to find out she’s a mermaid, complete with a fish tail.
Turns out she only has a fish tail when she’s in the water, but that’s about 
the only good news Gabi gets. Hagar (her husband) is a complete slob and expects her to slave around the house and look after their three kids (Flipper, Urchin, and Baby Roe), who are all holy terrors. A couple more mermaids (Crabella and Sturgina, who look like Aphrodite and Discord) drop by to give Hagar an amnesia drug. They quickly figure out that his real wife (Crustacea) has left him, but Gabi just happens to be Crustacea’s exact double. Since Hagar is running for re-election as council president, and the council are big on family values, Hagar needs the amnesia drug to keep Gabi from getting her memory back. Unbeknownst to him, Crabella and Sturgina both have the hots for Hagar
and want to take Crustacea’s place. So they take Gabi to the Club (which is a beachy version of a country club, I guess) and “remind” her how shitty her life is, hoping she’ll take off like the real Crustacea did. But Gabi is still Gabi, memory or not, and refuses to abandon her family. Later, she finds herself regretting that decision when the kids string her up by her feet and dunk her into a shark tank.
Baby Roe has second thoughts (he seemed to be bonding with Gabi earlier), 
but before he can pull her up, she does a flip to escape the shark. That startles her and impresses the kids and she decides to get a little discipline going in the household. When Hagar gets home, she’s got the kids helping with the housework and ends up giving Hagar shit for his neglectful and sexist ways. At bedtime, Gabi is embarrassed by the nightgown she’s wearing (although it’s technically more than she usually wears) and Hagar tells her how they first met. We get a hilarious flashback of Gabi (looking like Sue Lyon in Lolita, complete with hat, lollipop, and heart-shaped sunglasses) and Hagar (who makes like
Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, swinging a paint can to the strains of “Stayin’ Alive”). Hagar knocked himself out with the paint can and Crustacea brought him back with CPR, but Hagar admits he was faking it so she’d kiss him … which Gabi says is almost sweet. Crabella and Sturgina decide to get rid of Gabi, so they take her to the Club and trick her into getting grabbed by a giant octopus.
Gabi kills the octopus with a knife, impressing the hell out of everyone (especially her kids). At home, Hagar makes dinner and tells Gabi he’ll try to 
change his ways and actually help out around the house. Crabella and Sturgina argue over who’ll get Hagar, but agree they have to get rid of Gabi first. They decide to switch out the amnesia drug so Gabi will get her memory back and leave Hagar. Hagar asks Gabi to marry him (or renew their vows) and gives her a fancy pearl ring. They have the wedding at the Club and Hagar seems like he’s about to tell Gabi the truth, but it’s too late … her memory comes back on its own.
Naturally, Gabi is pissed off and Hagar apologizes. Crabella and Sturgina figure Hagar is free for the asking now, but he says he needs time alone to
think about who he wants to be. Crabella and Sturgina decide that if they can’t have Hagar, nobody can. They attack and Gabi kicks their asses (with a little help from Baby Roe, who goes after Crabella). Gabi says goodbye to the kids and tells Hagar to find the real Crustacea and be a good husband to her. He kisses her goodbye and Gabi wakes up on the dock with Joxer giving her mouth-to-mouth. She 
actually kisses him, but as soon as she realizes what she’s doing, she decks him (which is a little unfair, since she’s the one who initiated the kiss). Xena shows up (looking a bit jealous about the kiss) and scares away Aphrodite and Discord. Gabi says she had the weirdest dream when she was knocked out, but when Eve starts crying, Gabi soothes her immediately … and we see the pearl ring is still on Gabi’s finger.
This is a really goofy episode, and depending on how you view the last scene, may or may not be apocryphal. It regularly turns up on Worst Episode
lists by a lot of fans, but I don’t think it’s quite that bad (which is why it’s #108 on my all-time list). It does drag in places, but there are enough funny bits to keep me from hating it; the Saturday Night Fever/Lolita scene alone is enough to elevate it out of my bottom ten. Renee said she had fun doing this episode and I think that comes across on screen. Everybody seems to be enjoying themselves, probably because they’re not taking things too seriously …so maybe we should do the same.
As I said, there are plenty of funny moments throughout the episode; Alex and Meighan as skanky girls, complete with Brooklyn accents; the stereotypical sitcom environment with Hagar acting like Al Bundy at times (hence the episode’s title) and doing the usual “oblivious husband” stuff, like watching the equivalent of TV. I love when Gabi’s giving Hagar her emancipation speech in the kitchen and
throws the knife so it sticks into the wall … then walks over to pull it out and says, “Look what you did to my wall!” It was kinda cool to see Alex finally do a little fighting too, although her and Meighan getting knocked into the cake reminds me of that alternate-dimension Hercules episode where Alex fights Lucy and they both 
fall into a giant cake. Even though the episode is basically a throwaway—and may not have even happened—there are some more practical lessons in it, like Gabi figuring out how to bond with Eve, and maybe a slight parallel in Hagar’s neglect of his wife with the way Xena doesn’t fully appreciate Gabi. And I don’t care what anyone says, Baby Roe is adorable.
Noticeable Things:
- While arguing with Discord, Aphrodite references tennis by saying
“forty love”, which supports my theory that the gods can travel (or at least see) forward in time. - While at the club, the women do a Busby Berkeley/Esther Williams-style thing in the pool for aquacise class.
- In the flashback, there are three women doing a Charlie’s Angels pose
for a portrait artist. - When Gabi’s memory comes back, she has memories of Xena from Succession, Fins, Femmes & Gems, Sacrifice II, Chakram, and Family Affair.
Favourite Quotes:
- “I almost didn’t recognize you with your legs so close together.” Discord’s diss towards Aphrodite.
- “Discord. Are you still looking for someone to shave your back?” Aphrodite’s reply.
- “You should also know that every member of the council knows what
the top of Crabella’s head looks like, if you get my meaning.” Sturgina getting in another zinger. - “If you wanted my finger, all you had to do was ask.” Gabi giving Sturgina the finger.
